Some of us were treated to a luxury wank during the break.
If we all had sex toys, many of us would avoid unwarranted heartbreak and be five years ahead in life. But sex toys, in this economy? Ha. Save your time and buck before you next peruse the aisles of Lovehoney and consider the expertise of your Crac(cum) contributors.
Deluxe Rechargeable Mini Massage Wand Vibrator
Hot Single in Your Area
Folks, it’s true: size doesn’t matter. The Lovehoney Deluxe Mini Massage Wand Vibrator (bit of a mouthful, no innuendo intended) packs a surprisingly powerful punch for its cute and compact size of 18.5cm. With a rounded silicone head and plastic handle, the mini wand is flexible, splashproof, and best of all, USB rechargeable. Forget about scavenging for batteries like a horny raccoon!
As someone who’d never used a sex toy before, I was pretty intimidated the first-time round. I didn’t need to worry. This wand was super easy to use and perfect for beginners, especially since you’re stimulating the clit instead of inserting anything inside! You also get the choice of ten different speeds (from lowkey buzzing to construction drilling in your vag) and seven vibrating patterns. It almost felt too extra.
Although it was sometimes tricky adjusting between patterns (you have to cycle through them one-by-one if you’re on number five and wanting ten, for instance), it really didn’t bother me too much when I was having such a rollicking fun, zesty time.
4.5/5
Womanizer Premium
Thunder Thighs
My trusty bullet vibrator that I bought from the Dunedin Peaches and Cream three years ago has gotten me through some memorable horny moments, sleepless nights and…like 50 AAA batteries. I decided it was time to be a responsible wanker: time to invest in a Big Girl Toy that charges at the wall. The Womanizer Premium was recommended to me as a better version of the famed Satisfyer Pro, with a stronger motor, an autopilot mode that changes between the 12 intensities for a sexy surprise, and a Smart Silence mode which means that it only goes when the toy is touching you. No more PANIC when your flatmates barge into your room mid-wank. Oh yeah, it’s also waterproof and has incredibly orgasmic packaging.
The catch is, I wish I liked this sexy little clit-sucker more. I was excited that I might be able to cum hands-free, but despite the ability to adjust the intensity of the sucking, I found the experience painful, and it has been painful every time I’ve attempted to rekindle my relationship with it.
2/5, but has great potential.
Ignite 20 Function Mini Rabbit Vibrator
Samantha Jones
This silicone vibrator has a 3.5” insertion length, has three speeds and 17 vibration patterns, is waterproof, and USB rechargeable. The description also mentioned that it’s a perfect size for sex toy beginners, and I agree — it’s a good starting point for people who feel a little intimidated by sex toys or having sex.
This was my first vibrator, and from the generally raving reviews of vibrators, I had high expectations. Unfortunately, when your expectations are high, it’s easy for things to fall short. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad toy. The settings were all enjoyable, but none of them were particularly memorable (or really did anything for me) — if anything, it was more of a relaxing experience.
My only complaints are just that the vibrator is a bit too loud, and the size of it is too small. Sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, you just need a real man (or whoever you prefer) to do the job.
2.5/5
Ignite 20 Function Vibrating Penis Sleeve
Richard Cranium
My partner and I have a few toys between us, but the Ignite is the first toy for me and more specifically, my penis. It’s an open-ended four-inch long silicone sleeve with a loop at either end connected by a vibrating section. When I was first given the toy, the lingering toxicity of years gone by murmured how unacceptably flamboyant owning such a toy was. These thoughts quickly faded as my excitement (and penis) grew while opening the shiny box, only to be flogged with the reality of a horny wait as the sleeve needed to be charged.
Once ready, I squeezed the sleeve on — unfortunately it was too tight around the base and too loose before the head. Because the thick silicone would barely stretch, I lay on my back with a strangled penis throbbing, wondering if I would ever be able to cum for Craccum. Spoiler: the sleeve came off before I could. Sorry, Craccum.
With 20 different vibration rhythms, there is something for everyone. If the shoe fits, wear it. If the Lovehoney Ignite 20 Function Vibrating Penis Sleeve fits, wear it. But not all penises are going to fit comfortably inside this stiff sleeve.
Star rating dependant on how archetypal your penis is (0/5 for mine)
Cheers to our friends at Lovehoney for hooking us up! If you feel so inspired, you can get a 20% Student Discount with UNiDAYS at www.lovehoney.co.nz at any time of the year.
