What Does Someone Have to Do to Get a Sports Star Around Here?
Life can’t always be like Sex and the City, especially when you’re busy doing an assignment or cramming for an exam, but fear not—we’re here to help! Between the three of us—Samantha Bones, Cunty Bradshaw, and Craccum’s resident sports columnist Omni Arona—we’ll tell you who’s been shit in the arena and guess who’d be less shit in bed!
Son Heung-Min
Omni Arona: The Korean sensation Sonny is a titan in his home country. Last year Son won the Golden Boot alongside Liverpool’s Mo Salah. Despite not winning any trophies (fml), his skill is undeniable. Son became an ambassador for Calvin Klein and released photos of a recent photoshoot and oh my goodness…
Samantha Bones: I’ve never been so attracted to a man who kicks balls for a living, and I’m usually pretty attracted to kicking balls. Suddenly I’m into sports, who knew? So, he won a golden boot aye? They should’ve given him the golden booty too. 😉
Cunty Bradshaw: Sorry, what? Just got a bit distracted over here looking at this gorgeous man. Frankly speechless. I couldn’t care less about his sports career but my God… his modelling career should be taking off right now. I need more photos from his Calvin Klein shoots ASAP.
Lewis Hamilton
Omni Arona: Lewis is a seven-time world champion in the sport, tied with Michael Schumacher for the most of any driver. Hamilton was unfortunate last season after getting fucked over by race control in the final race, where Max Verstappen passed him on the last corner of the last lap of the last race of the season. Speaking of getting fucked, I think the other two columnists are keen if they met Lewis in real life.
Samantha Bones: So, just to be clear, this guy has no relation to the musical Hamilton, right? What about the city of the future, our very own Tron? No? Well thank God, because I can’t think of anything less sexy than Hamilton, our esteemed chlamydia capital. But I wouldn’t mind catching chlamydia off this guy, to be honest.
Cunty Bradshaw: It seems like this man has one incredible career and he also has incredibly good looks. I don’t get why sporty guys are so attractive, but I now see the appeal of watching sports. Not for the sport itself but for these hot hunks.
Charles Leclerc
Omni Arona: Leclerc battled for the World Drivers Championship this year with Red Bull Racing’s Max Verstappen. Team and car performance issues meant that Leclerc was out of contention about two-thirds of the way through the season. That doesn’t stop him from being fucking sexy though.
Samantha Bones: Hey Charles, I’ll give you something to ride that doesn’t have performance issues ;). Get it? I’m talking about my pu$$y. I’ll be wetter than that track baby.
Cunty Bradshaw: If you know me, you know I like my French boys. Yes, Charles is from Monaco but it’s close enough for me. Bit of a shame that his sport requires wearing a helmet because would you look at that insanely sexy face? I wish I could see it all the time, but I guess anything to protect it, right? I hear he’s not the speediest on the tracks, but I’m not complaining if he also takes his time in the bedroom—if you catch my drift.
