What Does a Girl Have to Wear to Get Laid Around Here?
Life can’t always be like Sex and the City, especially when you’re busy doing an assignment or cramming for an exam, but fear not—we’re here to help! You didn’t ask for relationship or sex advice, but we’re giving it to you anyway. Between the two of us—Samantha Bones and Cunty Bradshaw—we’re gonna make sure you have the best sex of your life and look good doing it!
I’ve got a backless dress that I’m wearing to a party this weekend, but I have to wear nipple covers—what happens if I pull?
Samantha Bones: If they can’t handle a little nip on the dancefloor, then in the immortal words of Megan Thee Stallion: abort mission, they are not big enough to ride this ride. However, if you absolutely must wear nipple covers then I suggest going to the bathroom, putting your undies in your mouth as a gag and ripping them off like a band-aid. Rinse your nipples in the sink and if you’re hooking up with a man, just tell them you’re so horny even your titties are wet. They’ll believe you.
Cunty Bradshaw: Agree with Samantha on the nip action. What happened to the free the nips movement? Why spend money on nipple covers when you can spend it on a drink? If you’re gonna wear them though, I’d suggest having the lights completely off during sexy time. They can’t question what they can’t see, right? And isn’t it supposed to be sexier in the dark or something anyway? Maybe light some candles for extra ~ambience~.
Is it a red flag if someone I’m dating still wears their exes’ clothing?
Samantha Bones: Absolutely not. Reduce, reuse, recycle. They’re on a date with you, aren’t they? Trust me, they’re not thinking about their ex. And don’t tell me you’ve never raxxed a cute shirt from a hook-up.
Cunty Bradshaw: Babe, everyone probably still owns a piece of their exes’ clothing. It’s only a red flag if they brag about the fact that the clothing is from their ex. Otherwise, it’s just called being sustainable. Why reject free clothes? If you’re feeling crafty, you could even convince them to resell the clothes. Now you’ve got nothing to worry about AND they have some extra $$$ that they might spend on you. A fun date idea could be to upcycle the clothing from both of your exes together—couples who side hustle together, stay together.
I need a first-date outfit so hot they’ll c*m in their pants the minute they see me. What do I wear?
Samantha Bones: I hear that babe. Show up in a trench coat with nothing but lacy black lingerie underneath and flash them as you’re driving home. Or maybe don’t, I think that’s a crime… criminally sexy!
Cunty Bradshaw: Simply show up wearing nothing at all. Or, if you want to be a bit more modest, layer some low-fat whipped cream over yourself—in the shape of a wedding dress if you really want to make an impression. If you’re going on a date where you want them to cum immediately, you’re probably already obsessed with them. Why not literally just get married at first sight and get it over with?
Need some help with your sex life? Happens to the best of us. Ask Samantha Bones and Cunty Bradshaw your burning questions at editor@craccum.co.nz.
