Life can’t always be like Sex and the City, especially when you’re busy doing an assignment or cramming for an exam, but fear not—we’re here to help! You didn’t ask for relationship or sex advice, but we’re giving it to you anyway. Between the two of us—Samantha Bones and Cunty Bradshaw—we’re gonna make sure you have the best sex of your life and lock down the person of your dreams!
“How do I get a FWB / sneaky link that isn’t an asshole?”
Samantha Bones: There are a few options here. First, you could take the “friend” in FWB literally. Just hit up your homie. Someone who’s friendship is tolerable, but who you don’t value that much. That way if it goes south, you haven’t lost anything but a simp. Remember, there’s always one asshole in a FWB/sneaky link situation. If you can’t avoid one, be one. Along the same lines, pick someone sweet but really fucking boring. Someone who you have absolutely nothing in common with. And one day when they get drunk and inadvertently profess their feelings for you, you can try to hold in your laughter, but you’ll laugh in their face and then feel really bad about it after. But then in a few more months you’ll realise: in this life you can either break hearts, or get your heart broken. I’ll take the first one, thanks. The second option? Buy a vibrator and attach it to a life-size cutout of your choice. The perfect sneaky link. You’re welcome.
Cunty Bradshaw: The answer is simple. You can’t. A FWB/sneaky link that is not an asshole is a mythical creature. However, sometimes you do want them to be a lil bit of an asshole—maybe that’s just my personal preference though. I reckon having a FWB who’s a bit of an asshole helps them to stay as the FWB. I’m assuming you’d want a FWB so there’s no commitment whatsoever, and so I’m telling you now girl, this is the only way it works. Otherwise, you risk catching feelings for them and *gag* that’s absolutely disgusting babe.
“How do I get the nerdy boy in class to like me?”
Samantha Bones: You’re selling yourself short babe. They probably already like you. So they don’t look at you, or talk to you, or pay any attention to you. They’re just playing hard to get! Also eye-contact is hard for most of the human population, let alone for nerdy dudes. But there is one absolutely fool-proof way, if you’re down for some light public humiliation—show up to class in cosplay. That, or find a way to casually work in Dungeons and Dragons to a regular conversation. I don’t care if you don’t like DnD—you do now.
Cunty Bradshaw: You have two options: 1. Dress like a fellow nerd yourself (but in the sexy school librarian way), or 2. Dust off your crystals, get out your sage and lavender, and light some incense sticks. Ward off those bad vibes and manifest yourself the nerdy boy of your desire—this shit is bound to work, I promise! Personally, the latter is how I got Mr. Big. Caution: Side effects may include getting stuck in a long-term relationship that might be a bit toxic but everyone says you’re destined to be together.