Trust Craccum to know what’s best for your crack so you can cum.
“You’ve been a very bad boy,” he said, looking over his Alex Perry spectacles. He walks behind you and closes the door, flicking the lock. He traces his fingers along the bookshelf and stops on Foucault’s Discipline and Punish. He turns suddenly. “What makes you think you can submit your quiz late every time?” “C-C-Canvas was under maintenance s-sir,” you plead. But you know it’s got nothing to do with the education dashboard, and everything to do with being trapped in his office again. And this time, he’s got a curious grin behind those eyes. He opens his drawer and lays out six extra assignments and you’re going to do them.
Head Master Double Texture Blow Job Stroker Ironhide
Transformers make the best porn names. Not gonna lie, this was probably my first actual sex toy. Having had a previous sexual partner who liked handcuffs and ribbons, made me think, “are those really sex toys, or are those just things you can get from Looksharp?” As someone who enjoys giving head, adding a stroker to it honestly makes it harder, and apparently too overwhelming for the receiving end.
Partner-play? Hot foreplay. The super light and squishy material makes it seem like a sexy stressball, but once ready, it hardly stretches. Especially with the lube on, it took half of twenty minutes just to get it on without worrying about pinching; not too uncircumcised-penis-friendly. I loved that when I got it, the packaging made it look like a valve part from Bunnings. Honestly so fucking bet for a hot, dripping wank. Like a vagina in a tube, especially when you’re tired of your own hand… but the material itself requires a lot of the lube—you can just spit on it, but it dries out too quickly—which kinda makes wanking more expenny than you’d want. But most probably, I would use this over my hand forever.
Turn Me On Clitoral Vibrator Kit (6 Piece)
I had the pleasure (no pun intended) of getting to play around with Lovehoney’s ‘Turn Me On Clitoral Vibrator Kit (6 Piece)’. I own quite a collection of sex toys but have never owned a kit that was targeted specifically at clitoral stimulation, so this was a new experience. The wired vibrator was perfect for anal play; a little bit of prep time before we got to the big ol’ butt plugs, and during sex, my boyfriend could feel the vibration through the walls, which scores a 5/5 from both of us. That was probably the only good thing about this kit. It came with a larger version of a classic bullet, and girl, I did not feel a single good feeling with her. It honestly got too painful once the bullet was in me with the attachment.
Fifty Shades of Grey Take It Slow Gift Set (4 Piece)
This kit came with an anal douche, anal beads, a butt-plug, and a vibrating butt-plug. I’ve done anal once before, but only for a one-night stand who was so sexually unsatisfactory that I agreed to anal just so I could get him to use some goddamn lube. It was, as you could tell, a very mediocre experience, and consequently, I was excited to try again with this kit.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you whether or not I enjoy anal because I only got as far as trying to douche. Somehow I wasn’t able to get that much water into the bulb in the shower, and once I’d successfully shot water up my ass, my brain told me that there was a solid shit on the way. Of course, I knew logically it was water, but I still ran naked and dripping wet through my flat to get to the toilet, only to pass what felt like 0.5 seconds of really bad diarrhoea.
But my own hang-ups with anal aside, the toys themselves feel well made from soft, sturdy, sleek, matte-black silicone—and they aren’t terrifying. The anal beads start off the size of a pea and gradually progress to the size of a Halkidiki olive. The non-vibrating butt plug is only slightly wider. The vibrating butt-plug does kind of look like a dagger, and is bigger as well as less forgiving as it’s not solid silicone like the other toys; however, I am the most excited to feel like there’s a hive of bees in my bum.
Black Beauty Classic Vibrator
As a complete newcomer to the world of sex toys, the name Black Beauty stirs up connotations of mysterious, strong, and alluring. Unfortunately, the experience itself didn’t quite live up to its porn star name, but perhaps I set my expectations too high. Firstly, the toy was sleek, and… black and inconspicuous, nothing like the prank dildos you gave to your friends on their 16th birthday. My first qualm about the toy was that it needed batteries, which weren’t included. Because of the sleek design of the toy, internal stimulation was a pretty uniform experience: not bad, but not great either. External stimulation was better, and with the addition of the right pressure, it performed well. But considering Black Beauty has been sitting in my drawer untouched for a few weeks, I guess it was good, but not memorable.
Advanced Unisex Strap-On Harness Kit (3 Piece) Hot MILF Near You!
This isn’t my first toy, but my partner and I are always on the lookout for the next new thing to spice up a date night. Being in a long-term relationship, we’ve tried out (and enjoyed) a lot of toys and even own a few ourselves, but this was my very first strap. The kit came with two different sized dildos, with a smaller pegging size and a larger 7-inch one. The dildo was held in place very poorly and the straps were uncomfortable so I wouldn’t recommend them for a long session. But I totally have penis envy now, and I get it. While the straps were a bit confusing to put on and it was kinda unsexy fiddling with the things, once it was on, I was away. It was a fun experiment. I would probably invest in a harness next time…
Seduce Me 10 Function Vibrating Suspender Thong
Admittedly, I expected this was going to be an interesting experience and it definitely was. While this isn’t a realm I’ve ventured into before, it’s definitely fun to use in a public place if you know you have somewhere to be directly after. I would rate it, except I’m not a massive fan of thongs. I would also note for anyone who is considering buying that it took me a while to sort the backing to insert batteries, as some mechanism appeared to be stuck, but when it got sorted it was very, very satisfying! Doesn’t last too long but really… does it need to? It is most effective when used in short intervals, as personally, I like being able to focus on both what’s happening and also conversation (it got used over dinner). Not the best toy I’ve had, but also not the worst, and a straightforward sexy introduction to couples toys for anyone looking!
Do you need to be punished?
Our pimps at Lovehoney have four bullet vibrators to give out to our biggest Craccum sluts. Share any Craccum article on Facebook or Instagram and tag Craccum to be in the draw to win. Share multiple articles for more entries. The winner is drawn Monday 11 October 9am. You can check out lovehoney.co.nz for more goodies.