A guide to becoming the most obnoxious person
There’s an old whakatauākī bestowed upon us from our ancient ancestors, its meaning obscured through years of aging it goes something like this:
“Skux? If you don’t know it. You don’t got it.”
While you may be disheartened to read this, fret not. Your aunty here at Craccum is here to help! I follow the belief system that we create our own tikanga everyday so I’m here to help you understand the ins and outs of skuxx so you too may become the next Eru from JGeeks.
A mainstay in the young person’s dictum and a puzzle to parents, the word skux has its origins in a highschool classroom. It’s a contraction of the Samoan slang word for study, ‘sikaki.’ And in usual lazy teenager fashion the word ‘sikaki’ was shortened and we were left with ‘skak’ or ‘stud.’ And because we love to put an ‘s’ at the end of every word we got ‘skaks.’ From here you can see where we got ‘skux’ and it’s eventual final form ‘Skuxx Deluxx.’ The more x’s at the end of Skux indicated how much swag you had.
From the years 2007 to 2012, like a viral infection (oh, how relevant) every Māori and Islander teenage boy was obsessing over his hair, his snapbacks and getting the perfect Facebook profile picture. Rivaling the pākehā emo or scene phase. The skuxx deluxx lifestyle was the brown subculture our young men needed.
Part 1: Understanding the Skuxxx Deluxxx Lifestyle
To become a Skuxx you must first study the Skuxx. The Skuxx Deluxxx is a handsome jack of all trades. He could carve it on the field and still keep his flat ironed ‘do in perfect condition. He is the hot basketball player with a soft spot for the ladies. He’s a joker, he’s a smoker and he’s a midnight toker.
During its peak, a skux could be found anywhere. They were the backbone of New Zealand society and the only thing keeping Dax Wax in business. Spreading their uniquely polynesian charm they could be found hanging out at McDonalds, bumming it around town, or trying it with your fresh out of teaching college, 22 year old English teacher.
While a Skuxx will preach to the ends of the earth that there’s only one like them, they seem to all follow a tried and true recipe. The average skux was a mixture of sporty, cultural and sexy. Yeah I said it.
JOB DESCRIPTION: Skuxx Deluxxe
MUST HAVE AN INTEREST IN: Sport (rugby, basketball any ‘ball’ sports), women, and being hot.
NEEDS: To have an infatuated sense of self. Grandiose at times.
WOULD PREFER: If he could dance, was the leader of the kapa haka team or participated in a school production.
Part 2: Looking the Part
The skux had a distinct and unique look. What can only be described as Jersey Shore’s more tan, polynesian cousin who COULD handle their piss. They had the charm of Vinny and Pauly D but the in your face fashion sense of Snooki and Deena.
In order to maintain their reputation of ‘lady killer’, there was a huge investment into oneself and his appearance. Being a skux meant regular personal maintenance. Being skux was a place where men were often held to the beauty standards of the everyday woman and in a pleasantly surprising twist it was regularly the skux that took the longest time in the bathroom. The skuxiest of men would spend a minimum of two hours every morning getting ready for school, sports or church.
Hair
The pièce de résistance, the Skuxx cut. A flat ironed mullet with swooping bangs and spikes that could make Sonic jealous. A hairstyle that could easily be mistaken for an emo cut, it was distinct in that it incorporated a rat’s tail. A true kiwi favourite.
A lot of time and effort went into turning naturally kinky polynesian hair into a solid mass of perfectly straight hair. It was almost a full time job ensuring the skux looked well…Skuxx.
In his arsenal was his sister’s GHD straightener, 5kg of Dominate Rock Solid wax and a comb. With a so bad it looks good home dye job his half-blonde, half-black ombre made all the ladies swoon.
As well as haircare, Skuxxes also practised hair removal. Shaving their arms, legs and pits they committed fully to the metrosexual look. Sporting a clean shaven look as well they often resembled a buff seal. I can only imagine them in the water!
Clothes
Clothing included the skinniest skinny jeans and the tightest denim shorts. Brands like ILABB, Lower and Jay Jay’s stocked the goods. Women’s jeans generally had a wider range of colours and places like Cotton On and Factory were a good place to look. Maroon ‘phat pants’ were also a mainstay of the time but were taken up by younger Skuxxes usually.
Paired alongside would be a drop top tee-shirt or those ridiculous singlets with enormous armpits. The more dramatic the swoop the better because you could show off your physique or the tāmoko your cousin did on you.
Shoes
A skux had a large closet that could only be deemed complete if he had any of the following:
At least one pair of white-on-white hightops, a pair of black canvas slip ons from the Ware Whare, or some Red Band gumboots. However it was not uncommon to see a skux rocking a socks and jandals combo.
Accessories
A skux would often mix and match a plethora of accessories but some include:
A snapback
A Razr flip phone
One stretcher earring
Drawstring bag
A phat ass white gf
A touch of guyliner
And a whole can of Lynx Africa
Part 3: Participating in Skuxx Culture
You’ve come to understand the lifestyle, you have a fresh new look and now it’s time to see you put it all together. The easiest way to participate in the skux culture and secure yourself a bunch of ‘Aunties’ (slang for ladies) is to show off your dance moves. I hope you’ve been practising because a real skux could shuffle, tektonik, jerk, dougie, reject and geek at the drop of a hat. If dancing isn’t your thing, then you could sing. And if that isn’t an option either, I do sure hope you can play a sport.
Notable examples of some Skuxxy Guys were groups like JGeek and the Geeks who sang ‘Maori Boy.’ They danced, sang and did it all while looking hot. So be a charmeleon and start mimicking these men. Another good resource would be Tame from ‘The GC.’ He was tall, tatted up and always on the prowl. Once you start attacking like a smooth, suave Skuxx it should start to become second nature.
You’ve done it! You’ve completely transformed yourself and lost your individuality along the way. Congratulations! Welcome to the Skuxx Deluxx life, we wish you the best in your pursuits of honeys and aunties. Don’t forget about us once you make it. xx
