Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
How do I dominate in the bedroom? Everytime I try she hates it because I’m apparently too nice of a guy. What the fuck does that even mean and am I just not man enough, or is she the problem?
You’re definitely the problem. You sound like a weak little baby who can’t handle being in charge. What’s wrong sweetie? Are you feeling afwaid? Toughen up or shut up, kiddo, or your girl will find herself someone with an actual spine.
(See how hard I just dominated you? It’s really not that difficult to be a mean bastard. Just take all the rage that the series finale of Sherlock gave you and direct it at the person you love. Nothing could be simpler.)
(Alternatively, send your girlfriend my way. I’m so mean that Craccum gave me a whole column to make fun of people’s problems. I’ll show her a good time.)
How do I make my man last longer?
Store him in the freezer.
I’ve just started a relationship with a guy who is a virgin. I am very much *not a virgin*. Any tips on how to make his first time enjoyable?
- Depending on his preferences, dress up as either Black Widow or Captain America.
- Look him in the eye and say, “All aboard the Sex Express to Fuck-Town.”
- Quote the entire Bee Movie throughout (no pausing allowed).
- When he takes his pants off, laugh like Peter Griffin.
- Ask him if he smells what The Rock is cooking. Then hit him with the People’s Elbow right on the dick.
- Nunchucks. You decide how they come into play.
I wanna have a hook-up, but I get so shy? Any tips on gaining confidence, particularly for lesbians?
I have never met a group so simultaneously hot and insecure as lesbians. Literally, every lesbian is gorgeous and perfect and utterly convinced that women find her repulsive. You know what’s never creepy? A girl going up to another girl. If you think a girl is hot, just walk up to her and start talking. If she wants you to go away, you’ll get the vibe, and you can cut your losses, but you won’t have creeped her out at all. I’ve never been scared of a woman in my life (except Judith Collins—I completely believe that if I ever met her in person, she would punch me in the face on sight, and you know what? I respect that).
