Here are the worst pieces of mental health advice that stupid motherfuckers will NOT STOP GIVING, and how to shut them down.
ADVICE #1: Just think about all the people who have it worse than you – that’ll make you feel grateful!
RESPONSE: You’re right Dr. Fuckhead! Thinking about all the misery and pain that exists in the world that’s even WORSE than what’s currently crippling me will make me feel heaps better! Here is your diploma in psychology, you wet sack of decaying clams! Spread your wisdom as far as you can, or better yet, sew your mouth shut with twine!
ADVICE #2: Go for a run! It’ll get your endorphins going!
RESPONSE: Running was created by the devil to separate the liars from the truth tellers. Anyone who claims they enjoy it is going to hell for deceit. Running is responsible for more deaths than it has prevented, and if you give me this advice again I will just assume you want me dead and report you to the police for threatening my life. Enjoy jail, jackass.
ADVICE #3: Just try not to think about it. You’ll feel better if you just choose not to fixate on it.
RESPONSE: Wow, you are as dumb as a bottle of nail polish. Hey, next time you have a cold, just don’t think about your runny nose. That’ll stop the snot running down your face and dripping onto your shirt, you hollowed-out watermelon full of expired mayonnaise.
ADVICE #4: See, you’re smiling! It can’t be that bad.
RESPONSE: The reason I’ve parted my lips is because I’m preparing to swallow you whole like a Burmese python. Get ready to meet my stomach acids.
ADVICE #5: Just think positively!
RESPONSE: Okay, I’m positive that you’re the dumbest motherfucker since the guy who built the Hindenburg. I’m positive this is the worst advice that’s been given since “nah, Captain, I reckon we can go around that iceberg.” I’m positive that you’re going to find a severed horse head in your bed tonight, and I’m positive that I’m never going to speak to you again.
ADVICE #6: It’s bad to be dependent on medication, you should learn to cope with your emotions naturally.
RESPONSE: You’re absolutely right Samara*, you’re dick-punchingly right with this take on my personal medical situation to which you are not privy. Hey, while we’re at it, let’s play piggy-in-the-middle with your insulin pump! Let’s use a hammer to grind your allergy medication into a fine powder that we can blow away on the wind! Come, get in my car, I’m going to drive us passenger-side-first into a brick wall and hand you a goddamn protein shake when you scream for help with your shattered skull, you human incarnation of a Year 4 recorder recital. Don’t worry about that hand I’ve wrapped around your throat, people are just too dependent on oxygen these days.
*Writer’s Note: the person giving you this advice will definitely be called Samara.