Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
What do I get my 22 year old brother for Christmas?
How the hell are you planning for Christmas already? It’s fucking October! What are you, some sort of time-traveller with a scheduling problem? It was July three minutes ago, slow the hell down. I haven’t even come to terms with the fact that it’s Semester Two, and you’re out here trying to make me plan for the end of the year.
(When the time does come, just give him cash. Nothing will give an adult man more joy than knowing you put absolutely no thought into their gift—displays of emotion give them hives).
Why did my parents have to give birth to me? I didn’t consent to this.
That one guy who sued his parents for creating him had the right idea. We really need a #MeToo movement for all the people who never asked to be thrown into this hellscape we call earth.
My advice would be to kill your parents.* You didn’t consent to being alive, so they don’t get to consent to being dead. An eye for an eye.
What are your favourite TikToks and why?
- Those ones that are like “me at the start vs end of different movies”
- Anything to do with Squid Game
- Anything Michael Buble posts
- That one of that girl doing hip thrusts dancing to River by Bishop Briggs and just fucking railing the air (Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry.)
*My editor says I’m not legally allowed to suggest that you kill your parents, but I refuse to be censored by the woke brigade. Cancel me now, anti-patricide cucks.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP:
Exams are coming up, which means we’re all about to descend into the tenth circle of Dante’s inferno (the one where the lecturer bases an entire essay question around a concept they didn’t teach you).
While you’re struggling to get through this time of pestilence and dread, I (as the supreme authority of everyone on earth) hereby provide you a list of things you are legally, morally, spiritually, and financially allowed to do during the exam period. Consider it your own person Craccum’s Declassified Exam Survival Guide.
- Eat fast food. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Oh, you had McDonalds for lunch? Guess it’s Burger King for dinner. Sensational Chicken with a Zinger Burger for dessert. Forget that “fill your body with nutrients” horsefuckery, you know what makes classic cars run? GREASE.
- Complain. Whine to everyone you can get your hands on. Tell the barista how hard it is to memorise quotes from Hamlet. Make your Fine Arts friend look over your impossible Med notes. Insist that your suffering is unmatched in the modern era. Make your parents listen to you whinge for three hours a night. Let it all out.
- Pet dogs. Every time someone walks past you with a dog, take the lead out of the owner’s hand, sit on the pavement, and pat the shit out of that fluffy angel. If the owner questions you, respond “exam season.” They’ll know.
- Read Who Asked You. Go through the past issues on Craccum’s website and have a good chuckle. Refrain from calling me out on this shameless self-promotion.
