Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
What the fuck do I do with my life after I leave university?
Become a bridge troll? I dunno man, everything is so fucked right now. Jobs are like needles in haystacks, or more accurately, like a single needle in the Pacific Ocean. I recommend you just suck it up and enrol in postgrad. Now, you get to push back your future for at least another year.
I hate every paper I’ve taken this semester and I want to change my entire degree. What do I do???
Uh, join the club. I’d say the vast majority of students change their major in their first year, and a lot also end up changing their degree. Changing your degree is literally not a big deal. It sounds fake, but trust me, it’s nothing, especially if this was your first semester. Get your ass down to your faculty’s student centre (Google it) and tell them that your course sucks and you want out. (Disclaimer: probably ideal to be a little more polite than that.) You’ll be out of that shitty degree and into a law course in no time. (Disclaimer: I’m absolutely kidding, no human alive deserves to have law school inflicted on them.)
I have this one class that’s so fucking boring I want to fall asleep. How do I pay attention so I don’t fail?
- Inject black coffee directly into your veins before, during, and after the class.
- Get one of those prank buzzers from a joke shop and put it on your hand. Whenever you start to droop, stick it on your open eye. That’ll wake you up.
- Enlist the person next to you. Take turns to punch each other in the face when you start to fade.
- Just entirely give up and stop paying attention. (Note: you will fail the course.)
- Every time you listen to a complete sentence, reward yourself with one (1) salt and vinegar chip.
- Scream whenever you need to. Self-care is the most important thing.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP
This is less of a tip for you, and more of a request for you to give me tips. How the fuck do I stop biting my nails? How am I in my goddamn twenties and still gnawing at myself like a neurotic beaver? Don’t suggest that gross tasting nail polish because it doesn’t stop me. Please, for the sake of my bleeding cuticles, someone help me.