Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
I have a crush on one of your writers, but I don’t know how to approach asking her out. Do I slide into her DMs? Send her my CV? What’s the best way to do this?
Here at Who Asked You LLC, we pride ourselves on delivering you the best advice possible. So, we reached out to our writers to find out what the best way to snag yourself a big ol’ Craccum fish is. Here is what our efforts wrought.
Naomii Seah, Features Editor:
Your application can be submitted as a CV, headshot, and cover letter, taped to the lid of a large pizza box (along with the requisite transaction fee of pizza) and dropped at the Craccum office.
Alternatively, offer a ritual sacrifice to the Pisces moon in Libra season; we will be telepathically connected to you because most of us are indecisive cry-babies.
Sophie Sun, Visual Arts Editor:
They need to build me a fort out of iced animals before I will even CONSIDER allowing them to court me. But, if iced animals aren’t available, I’m also open to red panda videos and love letters (in that order).
Jessica Hopkins, News Editor:
The Spice Girls said it best: if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. If you’re trying to shoot your shot with someone on the Craccum team, all of us have to like you, or it probably won’t work out in your favour. Feel free to send in your CV via email, but just know that we will be collectively evaluating your eligibility as a candidate to date one of our own. Free food will probably help your case.
Lachlan Mitchell, Lifestyle Editor:
The simplest answer is the best one! Tell her you want to moisturise her and wear her as a skin suit.
Well, there you have it Romeo. Based on this intelligence, your best bets are a combination of food, a professional resume, and carefully removed human skin. Good luck!
