Who Asked You
Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
Deep confession time: did any of you actually enjoy Frozen when it came out? Or was it just me?
Absofuckinglutely I did. I DO. Thank you for the opportunity to rant about this because people who hate things when they get popular are the worst kind of people. Frozen is a masterpiece and I will not hear otherwise. It has great characters, subversive plot twists, GREAT music, and it’s fun for VIEWERS OF ALL AGES. I will NOT have Frozen slander in this house just because you soulless hipsters hate the concept of children’s joy. Oh, you hate it because your little sister wouldn’t shut up about it? SHE WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S GREAT, ASSWIPE. Y’all need a Grinch triple-heart expansion because I don’t understand how you function on literally 0 serotonin.
Me and my flatmate live with this nasty oldish couple that are awful to us. How do we get them to leave the flat so we can get nicer younger flatmates?
- Take up a diet of exclusively baked beans and tuna sandwiches. Never do your dishes; make sure to let the stench ferment.
- Suddenly discover a deep passion for candle making. The smell and mess will drive them out in a few days.
- Have Friends playing on full volume on every screen in the house, 24/7. When they scream at you to turn it off, chant “CENTRAL PERK” in an increasingly demonic voice.
- Get one of those cats that doesn’t have any fur. I physically can’t be within a kilometre of one of those things – if these flatmates are sane, they won’t be able to either.
- Give them some pamphlets for retirement villages. Or better yet, move to one yourself. Your own house, on-call help, AND you don’t have to maintain your own garden? Man, I can’t wait to retire.
Why can’t I have a pet raccoon? They’re sooo much cuter than any traditional pets. 10/10 let me buy one again.
…again?
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP
This one goes out to the gym-goers. For the love of Jesus and Joseph, wipe down the fucking machine after you use it! Who raised you?! You think I want to deal with your excretions? I already have to deal with this godforsaken stair machine, the last thing I want to do is slip on your juices and fall to my death. Stop acting like a five-year-old who spilled his Ribena and doesn’t want Mummy to know, and clean up your damn mess.