Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
“How do I really subtly get one someone’s nerves in a flat setting? Like, putting-a-teaspoon-in-the-big-spoon-drawer kind of thing. Not much, but definitely slightly annoying.”
How DARE you consider putting a teaspoon in the big spoon drawer. That shit RUINS MY DAY. Like, there is an entire section dedicated only to this form of cutlery, and you are so intellectually deficient that you cannot comprehend such a basic organisational system?! Does the idea of grouping based on size truly exceed your mental faculties? Or are you just doing it to piss me off, Greg, in which case you are a sadist and I will be calling the police.
Phew, I blacked out there for a moment. Apologies. Here’s a list of options:
- Leave the bathroom light on all night
- Forget that Thursday is your day take the recycling out — how many goddamn times do I have to remind you
- Adopt a tabby cat from off the street, which the lease specifically says we cannot have, but somehow I’m the bad guy for not wanting it even though you always do this, you never think things through!
- Take 40 minute showers, SERIOUSLY GREG, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE
- Invite Greg to stay the night with you.
“How do I get over a crush on my colleague? The man will never fall for me.”
Justin Bieber did not craft Never Say Never for you to have this defeatist attitude. Have you ever actually signalled your interest? Asked him out for a coffee? Shown up to work stark naked and sang Dolly Parton’s “Baby I’m Burning” to him in its entirety? If you have not undertaken all three of these activities, then you, my friend, are worse than a quitter; you are a give-up-before-I-even-get-to-the-start-line-er. Obviously don’t harass the man, but you’re never gonna catch a fish with no bait.
“I horny-texted with my colleague and now the sexual tension makes our IRL interactions very awkward. What do I do?”
Man, people with jobs are really on one at the moment. I have to ask, when you were sending them an in-depth description of your genitals, did it never occur to you that workplace interactions would be somewhat charged from then on? It seems like foresight probably should have helped you plan for this. Clearly, you just need to address it. Bring everyone into the conference room, and take them through a slideshow of all the messages and/or images so that everything is out in the open. Make sure to CC in Human Resources. Trust me, the awkwardness will be gone by slide #18.
“How do you stop being down bad for Craccum writers? Why they all so cute smh”
Can I be honest with you all? I don’t know what “down bad” means. From context, I’m guessing it means ‘infatuated with’, but that is a pure guess. I am simply one hundred years old. Anyway, if what you’re expressing is that you have a crush on the writers of Craccum, then I am afraid you are doomed. We are so fucking hot that Beyoncé is jealous. Not one person has ever recovered from their feelings for us. Enjoy living in eternal torment.
