Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
What is your favourite swear word?
In my most correct and exalted opinion, no swear word will ever surpass fuck. It’s the OG. The classic. No word in the English language is as evocative. After all, what is the point of speech, if not to communicate? Name a word that communicates more effectively than the F-word. I will wait while you try and fail. Fuck will convey whatever it is you’re feeling: joy, anger, sadness, frustration, confusion (when the preface what the is used) and fear can all be illustrated using just one four-letter word. It is truly a linguistic marvel.
Hi Agony Aunt,
I was always smart in high school, but admittedly kind of lazy, but now that I’m in uni I find it’s a lot harder to leave everything to the last minute to get all my work/study done. Is there anything you can recommend to make doing my work any easier?
Signed, former “gifted” child
Firstly, thank you for addressing me with the formality and respect I deserve. From now on, this is the standard for submissions.
Secondly, the realisation you’re describing is what I like to call The Smart Kid Awakening. It is a rite of passage for every student coming from a “gifted” program to university, where you realise that being naturally smart doesn’t get you anywhere anymore. As someone who had to work their ass off for every excellence, it is very, very funny to watch. While I normally would just laugh at you and ask how you like them apples, you seem like a nice person, so I’ll be kind.
Wake up/go to bed early, have a schedule, and go to your goddamn office hours. School should have taught you to connect hard work and success, but the system is broken, so you’re going to have to learn it now. Sorry, kiddo. Don’t worry, one day you’ll be bitter and grizzled like me, and tell the next generation the same thing I’m telling you.
Why is my student loan so large but my employability so small?
You did an Arts degree, didn’t you? You definitely did an Arts degree. Don’t worry, I have made the same fatal error.
This is basically the fundamental mindfuck of university: “get a degree so you can be employed, but you still won’t be able to find a job when you graduate.” Unfortunately, I didn’t design the economic system (if I did, the highest paid job would be ‘Professional Big Mac Eater’ and all currency would have Benedict Cumberbatch on it), so I can’t do anything about it. Unless you’d all like to elect me Ruler of Aotearoa, in which case I’ll get on it.
Why does my head hurt all the time?
Aneurysm, brain tumour, cerebral thrombosis, increased intracranial pressure, meningococcal disease – or maybe you’re not drinking enough water. Regardless, you should get more fresh air. (Note: this will probably necessitate moving out of Auckland.)