Ever looked at the statues glorifying the Crown scattered across Aotearoa New Zealand, and wondered which of these soon-to-be-car-smash-reparations-fundraisers suits your vibe? Complete the following quiz to find out!
1. What is your biggest fear?
A. Self-awareness and a real job.
B. Emotional intimacy and treaty obligations.
C. Making eye contact with a woman.
D. Being held accountable for your actions.
2. If you could only bring three things to be a desert island what would they be?
A. Someone else’s most prized possession, a ‘how to do basic tasks’ manual, and a picture of your sexiest cousin.
B. Machiavelli’s The Prince, Union Jack pyjamas, and a colonising agenda.
C. An inflatable sex doll, SPF 100 zinc sunscreen, and no understanding of consent.
D. Fetch the Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple, red hair dye, and an at-home tattoo kit.
3. What is your favourite rom-com?
A. House of the Dragon
B. Brokeback Mountain
C. The Bee Movie
D. Gone Girl
4. What would you consider your best quality as a lover?
A. You’re surprisingly flexible considering the stick up your arse.
B. Your belief in the danger of the female orgasm.
C. Your reddit-based sex education.
D. The knowledge you’ve gained from your addiction to fantasy porn novels.
5. If someone were to take a peek at your diary, what would they see?
A. Fake hate mail that you’re writing to look like you’re oppressed for being white.
B. A pros and cons list for growing mutton chops.
C. A love letter to Sigmund Freud.
D. Self-insert fanfiction about you and Voldemort (in noseless serpent form).
Final question: How are you feeling right now?
A. I’m feeling a combination of smug, horny, and insecure that I like to call the ‘weekday standard’.
B. There is a pain in my chest that is the physical manifestation of never being vulnerable.
C. Like I will never feel the touch of a woman, and should focus all my attention into bitcoin.
D. I feel gratified knowing that I perpetuated colonial notions of beauty under the guise of #selflove.
Queen Victoria statue in Pōneke! Congratulations! Your answers that made you sound like an incestuous nepo-baby, a major accomplishment. Mauri mahi, mauri ora… you say no thank you, much like the kolonial kween herself, you enjoy putting in no work but getting all the credit. Sometimes our authentic self is horrible, but that’s okay! Hold your head high, grab your cousin-husband by the hand, and never stop being you!
George Grey statue in Albert Park! Hello psycho, you have a terrible and suspicious vibe. George Grey, New Zealand’s most dreadful man is best known for destroying the lives of Māori from his colonial perch. You emulate this on a smaller scale, by voting for the ACT party. Keep hustling hustler, the grind (making people hate you) never stops.
Captain Cook statue in Tūranganui-a-kiwa! Being an incel never looked so good. Captain Cook worked hard as a mapmaker, a captain, a coloniser, and a stupid jerk, and like him, you are a person who wears many hats. Terror, menace, challenge, creep, you are multi-faceted and ever-changing. No one does it (being fearful of women) like you do!
Zealandia statue on Symonds Street! You girl-boss every day by perpetuating violence and lying for fun. The Zealandia statue thanks the brave soldiers that fought in the New Zealand wars, and like the statue you are delusional. You ARE the victim in every situation. No one gaslights quite like you do, be proud of it! Also I regret to inform you that only dating Māori boys isn’t the decolonial act you think it is. Kisses!