Tragedy has struck. It’s Term One and you’ve forgotten your hat at home, what do you do?
A. No hat, no play! If I don’t have the appropriate sun protection, I’m staying in the shade. Sun safety comes first.
B. I make all my friends, who remembered their hats, stay in the shade and hangout with me.
C. Neither the absence of a hat, nor a teacher on duty, will stop me from basking in the sun! Just like Lana Del Rey once said—I am fucking crazy, but I am free.
D. Obviously, I’d big-brain this by stealing a hat from the lost property box. You can’t be scared of catching nits, if you’re the super-spreader.
E. I hide in the bathrooms and cry my lunchtime away.
It’s time for SSR. What are you reading?
A. Whatever the teacher recommended.
B. Smutty Wattpad fanfiction on my iPod.
C. The Guiness Book of World Records. I just want to gawk at the lady with the really long fingernails.
D. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid or Captain Underpants. The more drawings a book has, the better.
E. The work of Socrates. Or Plato, if I’m in the mood for some light reading.
What song are you busting mad moves to at the school disco?
A. ‘Just the Way You Are’—Bruno Mars
B. ‘Good Girls’—5 Seconds of Summer
C. ‘Crazy Frog’—Axel F
D. ‘Party Rock Anthem’—LMFAO
E. ‘Skinny Love’—Bon Iver
What do you and your mates do after school?
A. We attend our extracurricular activities. How else are we becoming prefects?
B. We’re going home to play Club Penguin and Papa’s Games.
C. Hitting up the dairy to buy those 50 cent bags of lollies, of course. Or a frozen coke from Maccas, if it’s a Friday.
D. BK WITH THE BOYS!!!
E. What mates?
When did you feel the most cool at school?
A. When I won my gold Mathletics award, or when I became a head student.
B. When I was picked to be a Jump Jam leader.
C. When I broke my arm and everyone got to sign my cast.
D. When I came first in cross country.
E. When I became a student librarian.
Answers
Mostly As: Tiny Teddies
With your lack of artificial colours and preservatives, you’re the type of person that everybody, and their mum, loves. You’re so adorable that kids mutilate your cute little limbs every morning tea, beheading all of your buddies with delight.
Mostly Bs: Le Snak
Le sigh :(( Oui are all miserables that you’ve recently been discontinued and cancelled from the supermarket shelves. Sure, no one knows how you passed nutritional guidelines, or what ingredients were used to make that gloopy and artificial-yellow cheese, but mysteriousness is always sexy and le yum!
Mostly Cs: Raro
You’re just like Raro, the crack cocaine for children. Hyper. Messy. Sugary. But hey, you’re also super popular and valuable. You’re THE commodity every kid wanted to snort during morning tea.
Mostly Ds: Fruit Strings
People consider you the life of the party, or more accurately the life of the lunchtime. Kids use you as a jump rope, cowboy lasso, necklace, whip… providing hours of sticky, gooey fun. But, you aren’t without breaking points. Eventually, you snap and are begrudgingly eaten, along with the copious amounts of dust and bacteria you’ve gathered during your recess adventures.
Mostly Es: Juicies
Real. Fruit. Simple. What you see is what you get, and you never try to be someone you’re not. Even though you can be cold as ice, and the haters think you’re a frigid bitch, but people still slurp you up!
