We’re all miserable fucks who rely on caffeine and complaining to stay in our shitty jobs.
Baristas are constantly judging you. It’s how we get through our long minimum wage shifts, where we are also the involuntary punching bags for society’s Karens. So what does your local barista assume about you when you order your coffee? As someone with 2+ years experience working in a large coffee chain, I am qualified to not only roast espresso beans, but also to roast the shit out of your coffee orders. Get ready to find out what baristas are really thinking behind our customer-service smiles…
Americano/Black coffee
Your Sharesies stocks and Google Calendar schedule dictate your life, which is about as bitter as the coffee you order. No, I will not add you on LinkedIn—not that you’d want an Arts student as a connection anyway. You probably also have the personality of a stale cracker.
Latte
It could go either of two ways. You’re either basic but super chill or you’re a budding Karen from the depths of hell who believes switching from your regular vanilla syrup to some zero-calorie artificial sweetener will somehow save your crumbling relationship with your toxic significant other. Spoiler alert: it won’t, and neither does yelling at workers for forgetting to make your latte trim.
Flat White
You wear tortoise-shell glasses that make you look like the love interest of some indie coming-of-age film. You’re a little nerdy but it’s cute. Definitely into some kind of niche music or art. I can’t tell if I want to be you or be with you. Barista approved.
Cappuccino
You’re generally unproblematic. You’re the type to wish baristas “have a nice day” even though we make glorified bean juice for a living so that’s an impossible feat. Still, the thought’s nice and you know how to add your own sugar to your drink. Respect.
Mocha
Your palate’s not quite sophisticated enough for plain coffee but you still wanna look cool. You’re probably also kinda lame, so that imposter syndrome you are experiencing is justified. You’re likely also very insecure. Honestly, same. See you in therapy.
Matcha Latte
You own a crystal collection and write free-verse poetry in your spare time. You’re probably really into astrology, manifestation or tarot-card reading. Your go-to outfit is either a little-shirt-big-pants combo or some kind of flowy midi skirt. Honestly, your unproblematic-ness aligns our chakras. 10/10.
Chai
You’re probably the mom of the friend group—nice, responsible, caring, if a little boring. Big Pinterest millennial energy. You probably post inspirational quotes on your Instagram story unironically and are the type to be a future soccer parent. You’re also always the third wheel—it’s great, right???
Iced Coffee
You’re probably part of the small population of customers that know how to use your please and thank yous. You validate and make baristas feel appreciated by not being on your phone when you order. To top it all off you probably also use a reusable metal straw. Greta Thunberg and barista approved.
Cold Brew
Hey… you doing okay sweetie? Any cold brew order is straight up a desperate cry for help—feel free to join us in the backroom for our daily communal scream. You give me “I’m not like other girls” vibes in the best way possible. You also don’t sleep. Like ever. But it’s lowkey kinda hot. Hope you’re okay. Barista approved.
Hot Chocolate
You seem like you’ve actually got your shit together, and it’s not just a facade. I’m jealous. However, your order of an overpriced milo is a little questionable, not being caffeine-dependent must be nice. I also always forget to charge for marshmallows—I promise I’m not flirting, working in customer service has killed all my brain cells.
Coffee Frappe
The fact that you can splurge nearly $10 on a drink that’s half frozen water half syrup is astonishing. You seem like good glucose guardian material. I am conflicted in picking between offering my services or plotting to have you for dinner. Unfortunately, as much as I stand by the “eat the rich” movement, I am still a broke student so hit me up.
Non-coffee frappe
If your go-to drink is a strawberry or a chocolate frappe, you need to grow the fuck up. Your humour is probably based entirely on dick jokes and you definitely use the crying laughing emoji unironically. You’re no doubt also a mouth breather. Stay away from me, you actual child.
No coffee order
Let’s be real—you probably live off Blue V and Redbull. Or you can’t go one lecture without hitting that vape. In that case, fly high friends! Otherwise you’re probably just a healthy and functioning adult, whatever that means.
