A magazine with ‘cum’ in its name would never yuck your yum…We’d just like to ruminate on what kind of person you are based on that saucy search history
Hentai: You appreciate fine artistry. Just kidding! You grew up on cartoons and anime and the real world has disappointed you (you’re devastated real tits don’t look like that). You’re a dreamer (you want to fuck a dragon) and goddamnit sometimes you just want to come home from work and see Peter Griffin getting pegged by Marge Simpson! You’ve never had a human girlfriend but you definitely own one of those body pillows with the anime girl printed on it. And a katana.
Teen/ 18: Your first girlfriend broke your heart and that has more or less become the defining trait of your personality. You don’t want people to know you suck in bed so the more inexperienced they are; the better!! (If you are over 21 and still searching this, it’s giving ✨pedophilia✨ talk to a therapist✨✨)
Recommended: It’s been a while and you really just need to bust one out so you can get back to that 4500 word Legal History assignment. It’s either that or you’re on here too often homie—just how much porn are you watching for PornHub to have developed an algorithm to cater specifically to your needs?
Threesome/ Gangbang: You believe in teamwork! You are really good at multi-tasking and like Tinkerbell; you will literally die if you are not the centre of attention. Or maybe you’re one of the few people who do like group work at uni (aka letting someone else do all of it). You took it to heart when Nicki Minaj said “I just sit back and observe”.
Interracial: Okay Martin Luther King!! He had a dream and so do you! That one day people will be judged, not by the colour of their skin, but by how good they are in bed! You are either all for diversity or fetishizing people of colour. If you’ve ever said something along the lines of ‘How can I be racist, my partner is literally ______’ boy do I have some bad news for you…
Lesbian: You’re either a queer woman, a straight woman trying to picture sleeping with someone who can find the clit, or that weird dude who says ‘that’s hot’ when you tell him you’re bi.
Milf: I’m not saying you have mommy issues, I’m just saying you want someone to bake you cookies and tuck you in at night (I hope you’re okay). You say shit like ‘I like my women like fine, aged wine’ but really—you only buy $8 rosé, you don’t even like wine that much and you just want someone to tell you what to fucking do!
BDSM: Life rails the shit out of you on the regular so you like it a little rough! Plus it’s all about balance; you want to command respect in the workplace and be violently disrespected in the bedroom. Or perhaps you’re just tired—you’re on top of work, uni and family responsibilities, and now: your hands are tied (pun intended); you can finally let someone else put in some of the legwork.
Porn with plot: You want to see some ass (with a side of character development)! You want to be both emotionally and physically invested in the porn you engage with, so is it too much to ask for some damn verisimilitude? What’s the backstory with these two? Are they in love? Did he ever get around to actually delivering her pizza?? Unfortunately, you’re asking questions this website simply cannot answer. Time to hop back onto Netflix and rewatch Bridgerton.
Happy watching! And whatever the category; may your searches always be fruitful!!
