Now that those flowers have died, let’s see what’s next in line…
Sorry to rehash this recent trauma for everyone, but whether you’re happily or unhappily single, in a situationship, or fully boo’d up, Valentine’s day can be a hard time for all. If you’re single like me, you’ll spend the whole day watching your coupled friends be cute and badly pretending you’re not bitter. Or you might take yourself on a date and still have to endure the seemingly endless parade of couples around you. Or—God forbid—someone hits on you on Valentine’s. That’s the worst, because you know they’re probably just sad and a little bit lonely. Nothing wrong with that, but leave me out of it, okay?
If you’re in a situationship, you might be wondering what the hell to do. Should you get them something? But what if it’s too soon? Do you even like them? What vibe will they get? What if they’re allergic to flowers, or chocolate, or what if they just don’t like you that much? What if you get them something and they don’t get you anything? Embarrassing much.
If you’re in a couple, maybe you have it a bit better. After all, you should know what they like and don’t like… right? Right?! Ah fuck, guess everyone’s screwed. It’s almost like Valentine’s is a holiday designed to make you feel inadequate and/or spend too much money.
But for those of you who decided to buy into it anyway, there’s no shame. I get it, societal pressure is overwhelming or whatever. But I’m here to tell you that the real trap of Valentine’s isn’t spending too much money, or feeling really insecure—although Valentine’s does cause both these things. No, the real trap is that you and your Valentine will definitely inadvertently expose yourselves during the process of exchanging gifts. I know it’s a whole two weeks later, and you’ve probably wiped the memory squeaky clean already, but I feel it’s my civic duty to warn you all. Without further ado, here are some red flags, based on what gifts were exchanged on Valentine’s.
Hear me out: if your Valentine buys you chocolate, they’re just not that into you. Or they are into you, and they’re just kind of unoriginal. If you wanted chocolate, you could just walk down to the nearest supermarket and buy yourself a block. I’ll bet you money it’s not even your favourite chocolate. Either it’s the weird gimmicky chocolate, the sort that leaves you a weird plastic coating on your tongue, or it’s some really fancy chocolate and you wished they’d spent their money on something else, like a dentist’s appointment. After all, if they really cared about you would they really recklessly play with your dental health like that?
If they picked these themselves, I hope they’re happy with the fact that they’ve just reduced local biodiversity. Also, if they really cared they would have shown it with some cold hard cash. Nothing says romance like throwing a bunch of money at the object of your affection. However, if they brought the flowers then the same red flag applies as chocolate. What, do you live in a Hallmark movie? Next they’ll be chasing you through the airport to declare their love. Also, giving someone flowers is essentially giving them the chore of looking after the things, and then throwing them out. Or they’ll sit in your vase for way too long before you notice, and they’ll get gross and mouldy.
Um, ew. Being open and writing down your feelings? Next.
Woah there, jewellery on Valentine’s is basically a proposal. They’re super in love with you, but like, maybe too much. Have you checked their closet for a shrine recently? Lock your doors and windows at night, because they’re definitely pulling an Edward Cullen. If your ears burn it’s probably because they’re casting a love spell on you.
Oh, so this person just thought that a few hours they would’ve spent with you anyway on any given day is a good cover for forgetting about you on the day of love? Because I guarantee you they forgot about the holiday and are scrambling to cover themselves. And if they’re dead serious about spending time with you as a “gift” on Valentine’s, then this person is making themselves seem like the reward, ergo subconsciously manipulating you into believing that being with them is a prize. Run, and run fast. Trust me, I read Woman’s Weekly one time, so you know the advice is legit.
What are you, a toddler? With this gift, your partner is saying: I see you more like a child than an equal member of this relationship. If you have mommy or daddy issues then great, maybe it’s a green flag. Actually, don’t most of us? Damn, maybe this is the perfect Valentine’s gift. Just make sure they also do your laundry and tuck you into bed at night, or else it’s all just empty promises.
Okay, maybe don’t listen to me. I’m probably just bitter at my many single Valentine’s days. If you received any of these gifts and enjoyed them this Valentine’s, then great. Good for you. No really, I hope you guys stay together forever. Whatever. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.