Where I take a headline from “The Onion” and write an objectively finer article
“Woman Shamelessly Sleeps Her Way Laterally Across Corporate Ladder” — The Onion 09/02/22.
When people asked me what my dream job was as a kid, I used to say being a doctor just like all the other obedient Asian children. Turns out, my dream job is to just be some rich white man’s secretary—aka wearing cute loafer heels, colour coding some fancy diary and bringing him overpriced black coffee. Naturally, this imagery of a femme presenting figure exploiting the system is outrageous. “Women are just as capable as men!” I hear you all cry—and that is absolutely 100% true. It just also happens that this bad bitch wants to put in the bare minimum for the maximum reward. Plus, it’s not like in my dream job, I’m sleeping with him.
But let’s real talk for a moment here: traditional gender binaries are extremely harmful in Western culture in relation to sex. When a man sleeps with multiple co-workers, he’s seen as a player or a flirt. Charming, charismatic, and cool are the three C’s that make up this iccck! If a woman sleeps with multiple coworkers, then she’s easy, asking for it, or using her body as temptation. Unfortunately, sexist double standards exist in every industry. Why is it another notch on a man’s belt, but scandalous for a woman to be even remotely promiscuous?
As we jump back into the uni student swing of things, it’s important to remember that sexual freedom looks and feels different for everyone. It’s time to end the era of slut-shaming but also accept that there is nothing wrong with sexual conservatism. When the personal significance of sex ranges from transactional to deeply intimate, all forms of sexual activity (including a lack of) are valid. Therefore, I encourage any of you reading this to go on a wonderful journey of self-exploration. Buy that new toy you were thinking about! Sleep with your coworker who’s in the same bubble as you! Message your ex! Okay, maybe not the last one but this year is all about learning where your boundaries are and what various things mean to you. At the end of the day, you are in control of what you radiate and receive—just make sure that you communicate it.
For all the baddies who do wanna sleep their way across the team, here’s some case examples of me greenlighting this situation.
First up: “The Man” by Taylor Swift
I did not grow up in the 2010s for y’all to slander Taylor’s glow up. When I say the “The Man” is the New Testament, I mean it!!! The number one rule of screwing the crew is confidence. Never have I questioned someone who has walked into a room with confidence. Faking it till you make it really is true and Taylor proves that. If she was a man, then we’d just be treating her like Pete Davidson and his massive dong, or borderline pedophilic serial dater Leonardo DiCaprio. It feels like we’re conditioned to hate her for being honest about her love life and feelings but at the same time we applaud Olivia Rodrigo when she does the same. Corporate culture is already hard enough; don’t make yourself a challenge in getting that freaky Friday night. Besides, nothing is sexier than the mutual hatred of customers who are oblivious to their surroundings. As long as you’re both consenting adults, take that stress out in the break room by breaking someone’s back.
Screwing the crew is an incredibly biased moral code of mine because I am very guilty of being a bit too flirty with the crew in all settings, shapes, and forms. Statistically, it is embarrassing (and borderline Euphoria-level drama) when you see how many of my past flings and dalliances have been crew members. When I originally pitched this idea, I thought it’d be funny to finally reveal a bit too much about my terrible life choices, à la Robert Pattinson style, but unfortunately some of the things in my life you just cannot make up. Just a heads up: if you do sleep laterally across the corporate ladder, make sure you’re not too invested in your job, and you have an exit plan in place. It’s called a ladder for a reason, but no one said you could only go up or down it.
Donkey’s conclusion: gorgeous, gorgeous girls sleep with whoever they want!