A terrifying list of makeshift sex toys.
Everybody knows that your arse is sensitive, in more ways than one. Playing with it is only a natural progression of sexual exploration which frankly more people should embrace. But fear not, if your student bank account is fucking you daily, makeshift alternatives to high quality sex toys present a strong and hole-filling alternative. Disclaimer, this list is satire and generally not safe for work OR home life. If you want to explore anal play, do so safely and respect your body. Use condoms liberally! That being said, let’s lube up and sit down on the topic at hand.
Vegetables
A traditional and only mildly controversial option, popping a vege in the wrong end is a great starting point for your average confused teenager. Just steer clear of dirty, sharp, or otherwise illogical vegetable choices. Not every hole is at cucumber level on their first try, maybe start with some baby carrots or the incredible power of a delicious King Sweeties capsicum. Be food safe at all times. 7/10
Brush Handles
Another go to from the household artillery, a toothbrush or other brush handle is notorious amongst both the sexually frustrated and the low budget warriors. A word of warning, these handles can be sharp, thin and extremely rigid—making for a low scoring experience. Seriously, if it comes down to this or other options, I’d recommend the other. Steer clear if you respect yourself and your wider handle hygiene. 4/10
Assorted small and round objects
You play a dangerous game, my friend. Lacking a flared base is a major no-no for arse play. The Auckland DHB does not want to be fishing golf balls out of you like the pond at your local mini golf. Your arse is a sanctuary which deserves better than a garden of ping pong paraphernalia. Explore other options before risking this one. 1/10
Fingers
Why not keep it analoge with God’s gift to self pleasure. The wonder of a finger (or two, or five…) is something you should not pass up. Why go through the hassle of sourcing nefarious options to fill your orifices, when you’ve got all the tools in your hands—literally! Pop a finger up there and experience the wonder of self exploration and intimacy. Hell, even try it with a consenting partner! Don’t be afraid of tradition. 9/10
Another person!
Can you really beat the excitement of shared pleasure? I don’t think you can. If you really want to spice up your sexual exploration, why not make it a group project. Getting another person inside you can be great for trust, emotional stimulation, and getting ideas from someone else.The possibilities are endless. From fingers to full on fucking, teamwork can make your latest sex dream work. Consent and communication are sexy! 10/10
From your local butt stuff boss and titillation tutor,
Tim Evans (he/they).
