The FIFA Women’s World Cup has been a fantastic achievement for both women’s football, and women’s sport as a whole. Progression has been the central theme of the entire tournament. So it’s about time we returned to some good ol-fashioned sexism; the inherently misogynistic task of judging what women wear.
I jest, this is important stuff! But nonetheless 32 teams, 64 kits. I have whittled these down to the stunning highlights and the absolutely stinking lowlights. These views are indisputable.
5. New Zealand Home
As co-hosts, we hold a certain responsibility to look sharp. Our home effort certainly achieves that. I know what you’re saying, it’s a black shirt with a silver fern, we’ve seen it before. But instead of just getting the one fern, we get loads! The pattern looks clean, an imaginative take on a classic, and way cooler than any recent All Blacks jersey.
4. Colombia Away
This may be controversial, as at first glance Colombia’s purple away shirt evoques a DeviantArt-esque galaxy print vibe, but upon further analysis I actually really like it. Adidas claim that the shirt’s swirling purple and pink hues are an ode to the Cano Cristales River, whether this is achieved faithfully I have no idea, but the shirt is great.
3. Australia Home
Australia have been donning their iconic gold-and-green this tournament, the point of difference being the shirt’s spirally liquid motif. This kit’s high ranking may simply be due to over exposure, largely thanks to my girlfriend’s obvious crush on star striker Sam Kerr. The kit works though, a great effort from our traditional sporting rivals.
2. Nigeria Home
Nigeria’s home kit is most notable for being the kit worn by Michelle Alozie, the victim of Lauren James’ ignominious stamp. Nigeria always sport eye-catching World Cup efforts by nature of their national colours and propensity for bold patterns. This effort is no less striking, with a colour Nike have dubbed “electric green” taking centre stage. Any brighter and it would be an eye-sore, but alas it is brilliant.
1. Japan Away
The best kit at the tournament. Japan’s away kit is a stunning tribute to the sunsets above Mount Fuji. The pastel pink and purple shirt is unapologetically feminine, and feels particularly special as you likely wouldn’t see a shirt like this at the men’s World Cup. A perfect kit.
5. Denmark Home
This spot could’ve gone to either of Denmark’s kits, as they’re essentially the same design but inverted. This shirt is covered in about 10 different patterns. Usually, I adore Hummel kits, and this one is almost cool, but instead it ends up looking like they couldn’t pick one design and just said “Fuck it, use them all.”
4. Panama Home
This Panama kit suffers from the unfortunate fact that it is just so fucking boring. The designers seem to have realised this fact and plonked a stereotypically hexagonal football-like pattern on the front. Genius guys. Genius. This is what design is all about.
3. Sweden Away
Adidas have tried to showcase nature in some of their away kits this tournament, with Sweden being one of them. This kit seems to suggest that Sweden is a cold, blue, and bland nation. So very bland.
2. New Zealand Away
This is more of a personal vendetta. But our away kit evoques traumatic memories of my very short lived employment as a casual cleaner at North Shore Hospital. The sterile white with vaguely medical blue accents are utterly Waitematā DHB. The now defunct District Health Board’s colour scheme was fine, but looks a bit shit on a football kit.
1. Spain Away
Spain have had a bit of a PR nightmare this World Cup. They mocked the haka pre-tournament, and then reportedly had the audacity to label the tourist Mecca that is Palmerston North boring. Alongside this, their away kit is just incredibly ugly. The blue kit is framed by a mildly nauseating purple floral graphic. The kit intends to draw upon the shimmering Iberian Sea, but in reality it gives off more of a retirement home curtain vibe, not unlike that you’d expect to find in their hated Palmerston North.