It’s always the ones you least expect…
DISCLAIMER: We are not Harold the Giraffe. We are your News Team, and we do not care what you do in your free time (or at all). We take drugs and we are unapologetic.
Our favourite way to start our morning drug rotation:
Oliver: The most crucial part is always a strong-tasting food to help you ignore the unpleasant taste as it goes down. You have to really suffer for the eventual bonus, and because you don’t really like the taste of them, instead you replace it with something you know that you’re not going to be able to stand in a while anyway.
Talia: When you wake up each blessed new day, take eight to 12 pills all at once. You can make a bit of a game of it all—how little water can you use to take as many pills as you possibly can? A morning drug rotation is best when it’s hot and heavy. If you really want to feel the effects, drink three coffees before midday in succession of popping pills.
The best place to do drugs:
Oliver: It is important to have a safe environment around you, and sometimes that means you have to take three or four at home. You shouldn’t tell your flatmates, they don’t have any right to know. Get yourself comfortable or get yourself busy, take a few, and pretend nothing has happened.
If you want to be really sneaky, try taking them at group meals. Cough into your hand, get them to complain about the fact you didn’t use your elbow, and you’ve already slipped them in. Shoot the one person who knows you have a smile, and keep going. It does not have to be a grand endeavour, sometimes you can have a lowkey session.
Talia: Lecture theatres are an easy bet. Choke a couple back in the Fisher and Paykel lecture theatre, preferably with a fresh can of Coke Zero. It’s best if this lecture is land law, or something else horrifically boring. Right as the clock strikes five past the hour signalling the start of the lecture, pop a pill.
Look, some might call you an addict, but you’re here for the hustle, and at least you’ve made it to class—unlike 80% of your cohort, who are at home watching the Panopto recordings when the Uni finally releases them three days later.
Best drug tip:
Oliver: Do your research. Some drugs are going to be more your niche than others. You’re going to want to hone right in on that little itch you need to scratch and talk to people. Everyone’s got an opinion, a lot of them are bad too. You are probably going to have to try a few—maybe even a few at once. Getting yourself the right concoction is a wonderful feeling. Nothing will ever be quite the same again.
Talia: Never miss a day! Withdrawals? You won’t know her, if you simply never stop using. Set little reminders to yourself to keep using. Do these at fun times when it’s super socially acceptable to pop back a pill or two: during a gruelling exam, for example. You’d never want to do this without drugs, and thanks to handy reminders, you’ll never have to. Just make sure Panopto doesn’t pick up on the excess movement—be stealthy when you’re throwing a few back.
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Now, as final legal disclaimer to cover our asses from the bitches in the Craccum dm’s, we need to let you in on a secret: this entire article refers to the usage of legally prescribed medication. Both of us are on an array of prescribed medication and rely on its existence to lead our lives as the Craccum News team you’ve come to know and love.
Earlier in the year, one of our news articles got pulled up by a reader for “promoting drug use”. Funny, considering neither of us has ever dabbled in recreational drugs. In fact, we’re both so boring, and so dosed up by our doctors, that neither of us even drink. We’d like to make it really clear that the only drug use your News team is promoting is remembering to take your antidepressants in the morning. We’ve all got to make it through another day at this godforsaken University, after all.