It’s been a tough time… for us landlords. Week to week under this Taxinda clampdown, we’ve been living from other people’s paychecks to other people’s paychecks. How are we supposed to make do in this situation? We’re barely doing anything for a living, and we’re still only just making tens of thousands in profit. We’re being left behind. And now the govt wants to make Covid a permanent immigrant in our country? No, that’s just not right. Here at Landlord’s Weekly, we’re seeing the signs, and we’re fighting back.
Languishing in Lockdown
As a landlord, I’m not used to the concept of friendship. When I open my eyes every morning, no one is by my side, my bed’s wallpaper blisters in my presence. The human spirit, the joy that encourages companionship and communion over the joys of life, went out with the placenta at my birth. Plant life withers when I approach it and the smell of disintegration litters the air wherever I walk, for I bear the mark of Cain deep within what remains of my soul. Anyway, fellow landlords, are any others of you missing the random spot checks of your tenants? I sure am. When I would arrive to micromanage their existence, I would feel a stirring in the collection of ashes that make up my heart. Seeing their barely restrained loathing at my presence was the highlight of my week, as it was the closest I could get to the human connection. The loneliness was briefly over. Don’t take these checks for granted, landlords! You don’t know when you’ll be able to get such a smile on your face again.
With fondness,
Edna Fibrosis
Tauranga Just Won’t Be the Same
It’s been a while since I’ve had to change locations, but with how Auckland is currently, I just can’t afford to stay here once Level 3 ends. Dilip Patel, if you’re reading this, you were the best landlord there ever was. I’m gonna miss you, man. I am sorry to be moving on. I won’t ever forget your scowl when I dared to have some autonomy by informing you that the missus and I were expecting. You’re a top bloke, and I hope our replacements learn to appreciate you for the irreplaceable guy you are.
Cheers,
Greg Clunge
The Cat Dilemma
The other day, my tenant of ten years asked me for permission to own a cat. They live alone, and promised to take care of them like any responsible pet owner. I’m still thinking about it. On one hand, in this increasingly atomised world, full of alienation, owning an animal is proven to lift one’s spirits. On the other hand, that’s not my problem! And what about the carpet? What if I wish to kick them out in two months and raise the price by $100? These are the moral dilemmas of being a landlord, I tell you. No right answer.
Many decisions to make,
Boris Bunion
Quick Q+A
“Do my tenants have any legal right to resist if I were to turn their apartment complex into an interconnected abode to carry out my torture games of sadism and redemption through pain and complex machinery?”
As long as the tenants are warned a month in advance of the tenancy ending, then no worries! Hope your games go well!
“Hey LW, chuck Some Piece of Shit in Manukau some advice real quick. I don’t wanna give their deposit back, but I have some smart tenants that know all the usual tricks, and lockdown has sharpened their minds. However, I’m a real miserable cunt and have no intention of giving a single coin back, so I want to hear from the best: what last-ditch excuse can I use to fuck over these hard workers out of their rightful $$$?”
Hi there! Our patented Ol’ Reliable is to claim the bathroom tiles are permanently discoloured, especially if they are the intentionally awful kind with many interlocking pieces for grime to seep into. Even if they produce photo evidence claiming otherwise, the grooves connecting the tiles are so impossible to keep fully clean that you can reject their claims anyway. Wish you well!
