Ah, the ‘Post-Covid’ world. A beautiful horizon. A bright future awaits us all after graduation! We’re told those long hours in the dusty corners of the Gen Lib will be worth it… as long as we secure our extremely overpriced piece of paper! It’s our ticket to a golden future where most of us won’t be able to afford a house without selling both kidneys to the black market, or exist without air-con in a world that’s burning to a crisp!
With the super thrilling and uncertain times ahead of us, it’s no wonder we’re grappling with chronic bouts of existential crisis and dread. Although a cure is yet to be discovered for this tiresome condition, coming up with a bunch of Plan Bs is a great band-aid solution to temporarily soothe the pain! A healthy dose of denial keeps the insanity away 🙂
Since my BA degree has been rendered virtually useless in today’s STEM-oriented job market, it’s time to take matters into my own hands. Instead of sobbing in my mandatory Arts student uniform of Doc Martens in the Humanities building bathrooms, I have drafted up with some ~alternative~ career/life paths. After all, you can never have too many Plan Bs! STEM degree or not, I’ve got your future sorted out! *Terms and Conditions apply, happiness and security are not guaranteed.
A perfect option for BCom students wanting to ~hustle~ and ~grind~ and make some ~real money~ in a ~matter of days~. While you end up losing out on a lot of $$$ and friends (from DMing anyone and everyone you’ve known since primary school), at least you can live out your dreams of being a girlboss!
Why break free from the shackles of expensive and grey-hair-inducing tertiary education when you could just stay in it… forever? I’d love to have an office in some neglected and rotting building! Can’t wait to print out a bunch of motivational quotes to not only cover up the growing mould but to also brainwash me into accepting being overworked and undervalued.
On the top of my office decor list is of course a framed piece of modern philosopher Noah Centineo’s famous words—“It matters not what you’ve done but what you do with what you’ve done for others.”
Since I’ve already committed to a life of eternal Hot Girl Summer, might as well capitalise off my long-term single status! The rental S.O./partner industry is on the rise and on the lookout for fresh talent. Key skills for success in this role include: utilisation of cheesy pet names for your client (and the ability to not projectile vomit during the delivery), strong stamina for PDA, and awkward small talk with your (fake) in-laws. If this sounds like you, consider the impactful and rewarding career of being a significant other for hire. (Note: Engineers need not apply.)
It’s time to get creative! If anyone would like to join me on my ventures of starting an ASMR channel to whisper Marxist theory (very effective for inducing tingles!) or an OnlyFans where we striptease while discussing the historiography of colonial history or the intricacies of metaphysics—let me know, I’m always open to new business partners.
I’ve watched enough spiritual Tik Toks to shuffle tarot cards pretty well. I’ve also done enough English papers to decipher and bullshit their meanings. Honestly, kinda keen to wear my purple dressing gown and a bandana to work just to fiddle with my crystal collection and read palms for a bit. Alternatively, if your degree relies on defying the supernatural, take on a job as a professional skeptic! Now your STEM degree can go even further, as if they don’t take up enough space already.
I have a lot of opinions. Law students also do, too. Why not get paid for it in Prezzy gift cards and Subway vouchers? Can’t say no to a free supply of Subway cookies!
As appealing as the above backup options are, I also cannot be fucked working anymore. I am done with being exploited. Kinda keen to go off-the-grid and live in a cottagecore house somewhere far far far away from civilisation. Oh shit. Hang on. This is too good to be a Plan B. Adios, friends!