Research suggests that university students are having less sex than ever before. Should we blame it on the internet, the pandemic…or simply a lack of game? Craccum compiles a list of tips for the modern age:
Connect on LinkedIn:
Psychology professor Jean M. Twenge attributes our lacking interpersonal relationships to the increased time we spend honing our professional and academic skills. Make the most of this by sliding into people’s LinkedIn DMs! Why send a dick pic when you could alert them to the existence of your PhD?? Endorse his communication skills to let him know you’d like him to text you back! They definitely won’t find it weird or off-putting!
Do your research:
Optimise the era of online ‘transparency’ in which we live. Pay attention to the kind of memes they engage with & send them one they already liked as a conversation starter: #sawthis&thoughtofu. Stalk them on Spotify, then show up to your next shared lecture in their favourite artist’s merch! Tailor all your Instagram stories around their specific hobbies and interests so they have no choice but to reply to them. Make that hoe believe you’re soulmates!!
Our Chief Reporter Talia reports being in Albert Park and having “a sudden hankering to climb a tree. You know, touch grass so the assignments don’t drive you crazy, blah blah. Anyways, I’m up in this tree and a cute boy who was reading on a bench nearby, makes eye contact with me. The spirit of Gretzky came over me and in a u-miss-100%-of-the-shots-u-don’t-take move: I jumped out of the tree – parkour style and asked if he’d like to get coffee. He said yes!”.
Start casually reading books on the benches of Albert Park:
Appeals to the female gaze + shows you have basic literacy skills + why are you even reading in public spaces unless you want to be asked out immediately??
Dating?? In this economy??
One of Craccum’s editor’s got their girlfriend to go on a first date by offering to make her instant noodles. “It was off one of those god-awful food reels; a pizza with a base made entirely of instant noodles. I sent it to her as a joke but I committed to the punchline. According to her, it was the chaotic energy of this dinner that sparked her interest in the first place.” Don’t let the price of living in Auckland stop you from finding love! Just be thoughtful (and always, always commit to the bit).
Tell her you’d like her even if she was a worm:
Trust me. It will work.
Manifest a first date:
Start saving all those subliminal audio TikTok’s that promise your crush will text you in the next 3 hours. Pine from afar. Post a cute picture of yourself on your IG story (they should know that was you making the first move) and then wait for them to ask you out. Just kidding! To misquote the bible: God loves a trier and it’s all for the plot anyways.
Hoodwink people into dating you by being genuine. Remember their coffee order. Notice it when they style their hair differently and tell them you like it (because you do). Ask about their dog, their favourite colour and what makes them happiest in the world. Remember all the answers so you can make them feel seen, heard, and loved.
And don’t send dick pics. (Unless they ask you very nicely)