From the creators of Scream, amateur clairvoyants Sherry Zhang and Daphne Zheng Know What You Did Last Summer and are ready to predict your futures.
ARIES (21 march – 20 april)
Good for you! You’ve managed to save up a bit this summer despite all of the devil’s temptations. Whether this be sticking to your budget, or healthy lifestyle, you are a saint. With Shadows $2 toasties, and $7 jugs, we reckon it’s time to let loose and celebrate.
TAURUS (21 april – 21 may)
You spent the summer falling in love. A person, a puppy, or simply summer’s hot hot relentless heat. Bet the lack of ozone really did a number on your back baby. If you are peeling, the guru recommends a healthy dose of aloe vera to lubricate your energies.
GEMINI (22 may – 21 june)
You’ve had the ball rolling this summer. New job, new gym workout, new year new you, busy busy bee. But be careful of burning out, you are not the sun. Take a mental health day you workaholic fiend, it’s okay to skip a lecture once in a while.
CANCER (22 june – 22 july)
This summer you’ve caught the travel bug, whether it be the penultimate OE or just a couple trips to the beach. Wanderlust soul: appropriative dreamcatcher, finger tattoo etc. Pinterest loves you. Maybe dial it down a notch, the coconut oil is stinking everyone out in The Fridge at OGGB.
LEO (23 july – 22 august)
You really did shit all. Hey, don’t feel bad! I mean… there’s always next summer. Plus, who else is going to ace all the movie quizzes? You buddy! You.
VIRGO (23 august – 23 september)
You’ve spent your summer living it up, Amelia Finlayson is that you? Instagram has been loving all your summer pics, Bali Beach Babe! Now it’s time to buckle down nand wash the sand out of your peach, I heard the sixth floor of the General Library has some #views too.
LIBRA (24 september – 23 october)
You’ve experienced some loss this summer. Be gentle on your soul. Eat pray love some shit, you’ve got a new year’s resolution list that isn’t too late start cracking on. The new year doesn’t really start until you buy new stationery, take advantage of the joy that overpriced moleskine might bring you.
SCORPIO (24 october – 22 november)
You were stuck in summer school, freezing under the aggressive aircon while you scrolled through missed plans with your friends. A real trooper, you didn’t miss a single tutorial! You could could give Gemini a run for their money, but we all know you’d win. Be generous with your talents, help a gal out. They might’ve murdered someone.
SAGITTARIUS (23 november – 21 december)
You probably spent it moving into a new place, Marie Kondo-ing the shit out of it. Did it really spark joy? I bet your life is sooo put together now, and ready for the new school year. Ka pai. But within all that cleaning, you stumbled on something from the old life. An old friend…ex…? Maybe it’s time to reconnect…
CAPRICORN (22 december – 20 january)
Unfortunately for you, your birthday was overshadowed by the Big Man, Good Ol’ Saint Nick, and Father Time himself. Sorry all your friends couldn’t come to your party. Maybe get some better ones this year. Kia kaha mate.
AQUARIUS (21 january – 19 february)
You murdered someone. Holy shit. Turn yourself in. What the fuck dude.
PISCES (20 february – 20 march)
Career changes and major blazers have happened once again. Are we surprised? Perhaps you’re feeling stressed and itchy to finish your degree. But it looks like legalisation of marijuana will pass before you manage to sort your shit out. Perhaps minimise the use of legal highs too. Caffeine, vaping….