Like Jafar forcing Aladdin to recover the mystical Genie/Robin Williams from the depths below, Craccum has asked me to plunge into the wondrous depths of GOOP’s offerings.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s empire of health supplements, additives and cleansers is something to behold, regardless of any qualities or claims of actual benefit they may lack. In her desire to lay claim to levels of ferociously guarded wealth not envisioned outside of Smaug’s guarding of the ancestral Dwarven treasure trove, she has set up a world of faux-health that has completely subsumed her previous brand as the premier WASP actress of her time. While the British Empire famously stylised itself as a realm where the sun never set on its colonised lands, where it was never far from the light of God, the GOOP Sultanate has laid claim to these very rays – sunlight itself is within Gwyneth’s manicured grasp, in the form of Hum Nutrition’s High-Potency D3 pills. The Paltrowcracy is absolute, and I must give her credit for that.
However, in Craccum’s Earth issue, we are taking a look at some of the treasures in Gwyneth’s Cave of Wonders. We’re going to evaluate them on our patented Sustainability Scale (™) so you can know just what sort of lifestyle you’re getting into when you buy from the GOOP East India Company. Obviously, GOOP does not sell itself on affordability – being sustainably healthy is something to aspire to, not something to expect, of course. It is unfortunate, but the poors must accept their lot in life. So we will not be factoring cost into our analysis, since if we were to do that, we’d all be shit out of luck.
The Sustainability Scale is a simple 1 to 10 rating, with a mysterious weight of Sexy counterbalancing all of our other secret determinators.
1. Gemstone Heat Therapy Mat
“Approximate an at-home spa experience with this heating mat. It combines five natural therapies: hot stones, far-infrared light, red light, pulsed electromagnetic fields (PEMF), and negative ions.”
This thermonuclear Steven Universe simulator is very pretty to look at, and offers many benefits to the body. However, it is a massive energy guzzler – while leaving your electric blanket on over winter would only cost an estimated $10 for the entire season, that is inefficient in and of itself. This particular mat guzzles an entire week’s worth of an electric blanket in one setting. So for now, we must settle on a rating of 5.
“If something can make a super-sleek vibrator even more sexy, it’s 24 karat gold—right? This sculpted dildo has a long, rounded end for deep penetration and a flattened end for G-spot and clitoral stimulation. It’s as great solo as it is with a partner.”
Now, Lelo’s $3490 golden dildo is not the most accessible option out there, for reasons that go without saying. However, is there anything more guaranteed on Gwyneth’s site to last longer than a vibrator constructed with royalty in mind? It does not appear so. This vibrator is cited to have a shelf-life of decades, with minimal energy usage. So great points for sustainability there. However, it is a dildo layered with the definitive precious metal, so unfortunately, Lelo’s masterpiece ranks a mere 2 on our Sustainability Scale. ITEM IS NON-RETURNABLE.
3. GOOPGENES All-in-One Super Nutrient Face Oil
“After just one use, 100% of women showed instant, highly significant improvement in skin moisture!”
Psoralea corylifolia contains the active ingredient that powers this GOOPGENES classic, bakuchiol. But due to overharvesting in the name of insecure suburbanites, this flower is increasingly endangered! Bad Gwyneth. We give this a 3. However, due to the relative ease of isolating bakuchiol from other sources, and increasing cultivation of this magical little plant.
4. Rose Quartz Egg
“Insert the egg into your vagina and feel the connection with your body by squeezing and releasing the egg.”
Our scientists are reporting high levels of Sexy readings in our measurements, to the point where we have no choice but to consider it the definitive measurement in our Sustainability Scale. It is a vaginal rock carved from highly accessible quartz, so I mean, you can do a lot worse on the site. We give this a 7.
5. Manuka Honey Trio
“The good stuff, all the way from New Zealand.”
Yeah, well, your demand for our precious queen jelly is overworking our fucking bees, lady! We’re dying out here, and Manuka is only a brand name anyway – get back to us when you’re touting the far more replenishable Kanuka name, one nowhere as buried in destructive red tape and breeding laws. For this, we give you the cursed 1 on the scale. For shame.