Is this the transition point from fourth to fifth-wave feminism?
Crickets crickets. That’s what my love life has sounded like for pretty much all of my existence. Now that I’ve developed a talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping etc. personality (thanks to last column’s WikiHow tutorial) it’s time to give up my bachelorette lifestyle and find a husband. After all, being a single woman is just so sad and so meaningless! Finding my dream man must be the answer to finding fulfillment in life…
Since I’ve still not been wifed up by Bill Gates even after building him a personal shrine covered in declarations of my love printed in Microsoft WordArt, it’s clear that modern-day manifestation methods are not effective enough to summon my fave billionaire. Fortunately, as I was scrolling on my laptop (using Internet Explorer of course, I haven’t given up yet Bill! xoxo), I came across a mind-blowing 1958 guide called “129 Ways to Get a Husband.” Beautiful.
The first part of the guide addresses the question of “Where to Find Him.” One suggestion was to “Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.” What other place was infested with beady-eyed monsters ready to peck out your eyeballs if you didn’t surrender your lunch? The ornithophobia-inducing Albert Park of course! I sat down on a bench near the fountain and tossed scraps of my sandwich onto the floor, emotionally preparing myself for a slow brutal death. Luckily, I had taken the necessary precaution of wearing my neon pink goggles from primary school so that I could retain enough eyesight to look out for any potential pigeon-whisperer beaus lurking around the park. Spoiler alert: there were none. Maybe they were all intimidated by my new stylish and protective spectacles. Whatever the reason, I was not about to give up!
Another tip the guide suggests under this section is to “Set up an easel outside engineering school.” Say no more! I set up a canvas by Building 402’s entrance and painted a rather abstract looking portrait of my beloved Bill as an addition to the shrine. Unfortunately, before I could finish adding on all the adoring hearts, a bunch of Engineering students gathered around to calculate the minimum amount of force required to knock over the easel. As a silly Arts student, I couldn’t tell you how many Newtons were exerted during this process. All I know is that it was enough to send my portrait flying across to the other side of the Symonds Street pedestrian crossing. Admittedly, my fave CEO’s handsome face did become a little disfigured as a result. But don’t worry Bill—you’re always a work of art to me 😉
Feeling disheartened, I walked over to OGGB to implement the guide’s tip of “standing in a corner and crying softly” to hopefully lure in some male sympathy. Despite my Oscar-winning theatrical performance, I was unsuccessful in attaining any attention from potential spouses. How naïve of me to expect empathy from soul-less money-hungry business students! I decided to move to the Sciences building in search of a more compassionate clientele. However, as I turned on the melodramatic waterworks, I realised I was not alone. A pack of deflated and stressed-out first year Biomed students had joined me in the same corner for a communal sobbing session. I gapped straight out of there.
The next section of the guide was dedicated to “looking good to him.” One, uh, interesting tip in this category was “European women use their eyes to good advantage. Practise in front of a mirror.” Even though I don’t exactly fit the “European” part of the brief, the eyes are the window to the soul for a reason. After a few hours of hardcore practice in front of my bedroom mirror where I may or may not have blinked out my contacts a few times, I was ready to seduce a potential lover from across the lecture theatre with my new choreographed routine. During the lecture break, I painfully locked awkward eye contact with a random guy who just happened to be looking somewhat in my direction and began furiously winking and eyebrow wiggling. To my shock, he did not drop to his knees and beg for my hand in marriage and instead left the room??? The audacity! Guess the silly boy must’ve left the fat diamond ring at home!
Even after following the 1950s guide, for some bizarre reason I am still single. I guess after transforming my personality with last column’s WikiHow guide I’ve become too cool and interesting for my own good. At this point I must only be compatible with the world’s second richest man. Bill, if you’re reading this, please reply to the hot mail I’ve sent to your inbox 😉
[Lifestyle Editor’s note: Nancy is seemingly unaware of Bill’s, like, entire recent history. Have fun Googling, readers!!]