Thanks, I actually did it myself!
Craccum has always supported students’ rights AND wrongs. As such, we’ve interviewed UoA’s finest to ascertain their finest dumbass-ery in the year of our lord 2023. We compile below a sure-fire list of ways to ruin your own life!
*Names changed, obvi x
Ask a DJ you’re hooking up with about social issues
Sarah* (23, BA/LLB) would like the general public to know that she knows “it wasn’t [her] finest hour.” In her defence, he “had his grandpa in his dp on facebook” and who doesn’t love a family man? “We’re lying there and I’m telling him my dissertation is on Māori underrepresentation on juries and he goes, ‘the race card is so overplayed this election’. And when I left, he said ‘Catcha!’ instead of saying bye like a normal person.”
A reminder to vote (and that having grandparents doesn’t make that hot DJ a good person)
Continually eat a food you’re allergic to and give yourself IBS
Lachlan* (22, BComm) is a big fan of mint chocolate chip ice cream (there’s no accounting for taste). “I didn’t realise why I was shitting so much. Apparently, I ate so much this past year, I developed an intolerance to dairy. Whatever, I’m still gonna eat it sometimes.”
(If you’re in the market for a good mint choc chip, Lachlan* would like you to know that Lewis Road Creamery does the best kind)
Bully a kid all through high school––and wind up working at the same firm
“Is it my fault she was a loser?”. A compelling argument from Hannah* (21, BComm) who bumped right into said loser on her first day of work last Tuesday. “Look” says Hannah*, “I was fourteen and she was American. She kept going on about how ‘this wasn’t how they did stuff back in America’. So I just showed her how we did things in New Zealand; me and my mates used to put on her accent all the time. My mum sent me to St. Mary’s after that as punishment”. When asked if she regrets the ordeal, Hannah says “Nah but I do take the long way out of the building to avoid her desk”.
Note to self: Auckland is too small to bully people and get away with it.
Go on vacation with 5 friends and come home with 2
Cass* (23, BA(Masters)) was thrilled when the trip finally made it out of the group chat––but only two of her friendships made it out of the trip. “We’d been talking about going to Bali together for years!! God, we couldn’t stand each other by the end of it. I can’t even post some of my cute photos because I’m not on speaking terms with some of those girls anymore”.
Not all friendships are built for international travel––perhaps a roadtrip test run first?
Get too drunk at your girlfriend’s birthday party and talk mad shit about her mates (to their faces)
“It was the soju!” mourns Bradley* (22, BComm/BE). “I think I said something about her friend being too desperate chasing after one of my mates. Only I was so off my face I didn’t even realise I was saying it right to her. At the time, I thought I was just thinking it. She still fucking hates me”.
Stay off the soju kids––
And remember; it’s only October! You still have the time and potential to fuck up anything you put your mind to!! We believe in you!