By now, we’re a year into rolling lockdowns across the world. It’s so routine now. Even Buzzfeed, the Dome of the Rock for content thieves and fake email jobs, has to have run out of unpaid interns to strip mine for lockdown content by now. But Craccum can go deeper – for you, Auckland, we will. We’re not just preparing you for the next lockdown, we’re preparing you for all of them. We’re going to the repositories of the one man who knew Alert Level 4 in his soul, the one man who embodied the essence of quarantine like no other. And all for the low price of forever having your name on multiple government watchlists. Thanks to the CIA, we’re passing on the wisdom of Osama bin Laden’s recovered hard drives from his Abottabad compound.
Here are just some of the super fun lockdown activities we sourced for our readers. Put on the Vengaboys, baby. We’re Abotta have a good time.
For those of us with children, this one may immediately jump out at you. Osama, when not plunging the world into two decades of Forever War and untold levels of generational grief, was a family man. He knew what kept his kids entertained. The timeless joy of a cat failing to capture a mouse, and all the grievous harm he suffers in the process. Thanks to the CIA Plus streaming service, over 130 downloads of 120p quality Arabic-subtitled subtitles of this Hanna-Barbera classic are available for your family right now. Chloë Grace Moretz could never star in something of this quality.
The sourdough trend was educational, yes. But was it practical? Was it something that could truly be a skill, outside of the rarefied world of the farmer’s market? Osama bin Laden knew something different. Now, far be it from Craccum to condone any of the thoughts of Al Qaeda’s long-deceased leader, but… he kinda knew what was up with crocheting? Like, for real. Like ten different videos on it. Nothing that saved him from the fires of Jahannam, but there’s something to be said about the usefulness of the woven arts. The precision of mind, the sense of accomplishment, the sense of control… textiles truly take us to a different world.
This is less of a recommendation than an acknowledgment of what we all do. Now, technically, the CIA did not publish the porn from Osama’s hard drive. Officially, it’s because the CIA, godless warmongers, thought a few wet white pussies might offend our delicate little sensibilities. However, the current belief is that Osama bin Laden had not just bin Squirtin, but was using untold gigabytes worth of gangbangs and throatfucks to communicate with the outside world – inserting text between certain places in the video files, and associates would take Girls Gone Secular to internet cafes to transfer the communications. Now you learned something! Oh, he also had, like, hundreds of pixelated underground ‘90s Japanese porn games. You learned that too!
It’s been exactly a year since Animal Crossing: New Horizons released. Your villagers are missing you! Your island is covered in weeds! While Osama had to be content with the relatively forgotten Wild World, you have Nintendo’s 2020 cash cow ready at your command. Who knows, maybe you and him share some villagers? Maybe you both stayed up until the dead of night to talk with Celeste? Oh, to know.
This is Osama bin Laden, after all. There is much on the hard drive dedicated to the various efforts against the Mother of All Suffering, the Bloodletter of the Innocent, the Nation of Sickness and Succubi, the United States of America. Indeed, the pillaging of Palestine is a favoured topic in the documents. Learn of the evils perpetrated on the good souls of this nation, learn of all the pain thrust upon them by the West. The Western Poison infects all the realms of Life, spits venom on the beauty of God. Look at how they massacred our lands, their armies sourced straight from Jahannam. They are puerile nations, wallowing in the shit of their broken cities and wicked, unbridled consumption. America is Satan’s grim legacy on this temporary realm. Learn, and use your knowledge to attain the great awakening, namely, that the world must be ridden of the Whore of Babylon. May God be with you as we smile at each other and strike at the heart of all evil.