Disclaimer: Whilst Craccum has taken every care to ensure the accuracy of this information, we do not bear liability for any action taken by any individuals on the basis of information contained herein, because it’s all bullshit.
Tired of coughing, feeling fatigued, and actually getting a real medical certificate for an aegrotat? The Craccum team’s got you covered! We’ve tested the latest groundbreaking, 100% scientifically proven methods of banishing Covid forever. Who even is WHO? ‘Cause we’ve got the cure.
The Cures
Spice Up Your Life!
Test subject: Grace
First Day: Grace, Craccum’s once formidable Features editor, was unfortunately struck by Covid’s curse late last week. Flogged down with an aching throat, burning intermittent fever, raging headache, snotty nose, and a body ready to call it quits—there seemed to be no cure for our feeble colleague… Or was there? Lurking in the corners of her fridge was none other than the powerful zingiber officinale (ginger) and the all mighty allium sativum (garlic, the crushed and jarred type). After consuming a slice of the disease-banishing root vegetable and putting the wrapped garlic in socks by her bedside table, Grace entered into a sweet slumber as the spicy pungent aromas cleansed her body of all harm…
Mid-trial: As the glorious sun ascended, by the powers invested in kitchen spices, Grace’s nose was miraculously cleared of all mucus. With her body slowly returning back to optimal function, she decided to eat more of this energy-boosting root and deeply inhale the garlic stuffed socks, ridding Grace of the need to nap during the day. Needless to say, the unmatched vigour of ginger could be felt in every part of her being, resulting in a case of mild ginger breath—yet another benefit of this transcendental plant.
Final Results: With an extra pep in her step, on day three Grace decided to take another RAT to free her from isolation. Unfortunately, her test still came back positive. The only logical conclusion one can derive from this is that our colleague OBVIOUSLY needed to consume more ginger and sniff more garlic to fully recover. Get with it Grace! Let this be a lesson to us all to avoid this rookie mistake.
Vitamin C a Day Keeps Corona Away?
Test subject: Flora
Comparing apples and oranges? Who cares! The only one who does is Corona, and the bitch better watch out.
First Day: I hate taking pills because they’re so hard to swallow—but you know what’s harder to swallow? A positive RAT. Maybe it’s a placebo, but the Vitamin C supplements make me feel healthier and safer already. Guess we’ll find out!
Mid-trial: Vitamin C is absolutely demolishing any traces of bacteria or virus in my system. I could be Wonder Woman.
Final Results: Popping some Vitamin C pills before I leave the house is becoming a habit now. Can people get addicted to Vitamin C? If this is addiction, so be it—I haven’t gotten sick in like almost a year so I’m just gonna assume that it’s working miracles for me.
Bottoms Up! Covid Ain’t In Your Cup!
Test subject: Gabbie
The best excuse to get your 5+ a day: spirits, wine, beer, cider, Shadows $5 Jugs. For all you Bar101 freshers, this one’s for you!
First Day: I don’t recommend drinking on a non-occasion, but I have been stressed from uni and well, this article came about so that’s fun… Just a disclaimer: I don’t drink every time I get stressed, because first, Craccum doesn’t pay me that well and second, pretty sure that’s alcoholism, babes.
Mid-trial: I haven’t caught Covid yet, and I’ve been sculling two Seltzers a day. Pretty sure scientists call that causation?
Final Results: After a hearty bender I can infer that, no, I have not caught Covid. Somehow I’ve never been more carefree and stressed at the same time. Uh, I don’t recommend going hard on the alcohol though, the bloat is real.
He Who Controls the Spice (Prevents Covid)
Test subject: Arela
First Day: I had a bowl of cereal for dinner so I had to supplement with the spiciest hot sauce I had (some half-opened expired Culley’s carolina reaper hot sauce). It made me want to pass out and pass away, but not from Covid!
Mid-trial: Still don’t have Covid but I’ve copped absolute abuse from my stomach. Apologies to my flatmates for the bathroom biohazard.
Final Results: Think I’ve burned my tongue off and my toilet won’t be the same, but I don’t have Covid so that’s a win for science.
Wearing a “Virus Shut Out” Lanyard (yes, it’s a real product)
Test subject: Nancy
Discovering an unopened, mint condition “Virus Shut Out” necklace this week is yet another example of why I am, once again, God’s favourite. This mystical amulet with its Covid particle-defying powers was bequeathed to me by my mother back in 2020, having scrounged it from a pack of vicious Asian grannies at this Chinese pharmacy by my local Tai Ping. Despite my initial doubts about its seemingly implausible powers, the Virus Shut Out managed to protect me at work from the spicy flu in the 2020 lockdown.
First Day: As I expected, this magical talisman shielded me heroically against all the Kate Edgar coughers. Bonus, the brilliant blue of the Virus Shut Out seamlessly complimented—no, was the star of the show—of my fit today.
Mid-trial: To the silly, stupid, and stinky, person who mistaked my Virus Shut Out for a UBIQ worker lanyard, I hope Covid gets you xo! Aside from that awful interaction, the necklace has again kept all sniffles at bay for yet another day.
Final Results: I’m pleased to report that Omicron and that quirky new XE variant have stayed in their lane. It’s no wonder that the necklace was banned by the US Environmental Protection Agency in 2020 and seized by American Customs and Border Protection officers—Biden just wanted to gatekeep this treasure all to himself! And people say not all politicians are selfish and corrupt… To conclude, I will absolutely be fighting off any Asian granny standing in the way of my grabby hands and God’s miracles.
Baking Soda and Lemon is the Tea
Test subject: Omni
This one is to balance your body’s acidity. Don’t know what that means, but maybe it’ll kill your pesky case of Corona.
First Day: First off, fuck you Arela for making me do this. I actually didn’t have Covid before I tried this, but immediately tested positive on a RAT upon drinking this cooked concoction. New staff writing position available next Semester btw.
Mid-trial: NO change but I had dumplings with vinegar and soy sauce for breakfast and forgot that baking soda and vinegar don’t mix. My insides are now burning (or it’s Covid getting wrecked?). All good though, because nobody else is in the bad bitch game like me.
Final Results: For real, this shit doesn’t work. Pretty sure it just created a new variant. But it’s fine, because I can finally move on and test my hypothesis that eating ass cures Covid.
Put White Stuff Up Your Snoz (It’s Salt Water)
Test subject: Michelle
Ever drowned in the Ocean? Now you can, while dodging Covid!
First Day: Apparently people do this to clear their sinuses and not to torture themselves. As for Covid, who knew salt wasn’t just anti-bacterial? The second theory is that you’ll hopefully wash out some Covid particles and make yourself less likely to infect your favourite people.
Mid-trial: I dreaded doing this more than a RAT test. Palms sweaty, knees weak, eyes watering, cardiac arrest. Just kidding—my nose did feel clearer, though. The added bonus? Getting a nightmare about drowning that night.
Final Results: You’re welcome to try this for yourself—but I sure won’t be. Pick a weapon of choice, be it a bulb syringe like me or a dedicated neti pot. Just be sure to use sterile water unless you want brain worms.
