Exposing real (and pseudo) diary entries from our younger selves’ burn books.
Being a tween was serious business. It was hard work balancing road patrol, keeping your enemy list up-to-date, giving meanie boys Chinese burns, while also earning gold Mathletics certificates. For this Nostalgia Issue, we’ve busted the locks of our old journals, and published REAL diary excerpts (and satire entries written in the tween spirit) to relive some of these memories.
Disclaimer: we have changed the names featured in the real entries to be respectful of our innocent victims.
2008
Dear Diary,
Welcum to your life! and mine! I cunt wait 2 write in you evry day and tell you evrything about me and eveything going on
Im a year 4 now so im basically a tenageer and its gonna be so kool and fun and im not gonna be next to stupid Kathy in room 6 anymore.
Dear Diary,
Gues what Diary! I had to sit next to weird Kathy in class again even tho she said she was going to Loss Angileese to be a movie star. Shes a liar and She dosent wash her hands cause her hands were still dry after she went to the bathroom in math class. EW
Dear Diary,
Soooo much homework >:( i dont get why they give us soooo much. its like they dont know we’ve got stuff to do after school! Me and Aroha are going to Angel’s house to play sims after school tomorrow and then ive got piano practice but I have to practice my 7 times tables for maths and for english we have to read this poem and say how it made us feel. its so dumb
Knee how Diary,
That’s how you say Hello Diary in Chinese! I learnt that from Chen-Kee. Hes nice but he speaks kinda funny cause his family moved to Auckland from Chirstchurch which dad said is really far away. Chen-Kee brought chicken crimpy shapes for lunch today and everyone laughed at him cause everyone knows pizza is the best flavor. I dunno what they eat in Chirstchurch but i would leave to if i had to eat chicken crimpys.
Dear Diary,
School is so hard and i hate it when dad wakes me up at 8 for road patrol.
Dear Diary,
We had speech competition at school today and i came 3rd Lila came 2nd and Kathy came 1st. Lila told me she only came 2nd because her mum told her Kathys mum and Mr Cho sleep in the same bed when Kathys dad goes to the Beehive for work. I dunno how them sleeping couldve made Kathy win so she totallyyy cheated.
Dear Diary [Sally’s early pick up],
Today at 2’o clock Sally’s poo can’t come out! So her mum got ringed and she picked sally up at 2’o clock
Dear Diary,
Today I was terribly MAD at Jim! Do you know why? Because He was like toatally crazy! He actaly did it on purpose! he was kicking, punching me diary HE’S A MEANING! ps. ms. paul made me sit next to him
Dear Diary,
I wish Jim could stop hiting me and saying you’re not the boss of me My sister is 14 so she’s in charge of you!
Dear Diary,
Totally un fair! Howcome I’m the Only one who has Homework on weekends and Holidays? This is totally unfair! Every time I see this Greedy, Nasty, girl Named Sally (who I hate the most) she doest have homework. Exept Wedendays and Thursdays and Saturdays.
Dear Diary [Secerts],
Sarah is so Nosy and annoying! Ben thinks chinese people are dumb. My mathletics password is Luck22
Dear Diary [Secert],
Georgia hates God because Georgia wanted God to make her come 1st or 2nd or 3rd in the cross country.
2013
Dear Diary,
OMG! The Hunger Games movie is THRILLING! It is the best movie EVER! I’m definetly on Team Peeta and not Team Gale as Peeta is so cute! Yes, I kinda do have a little crush on Peeta, actually a huge one. I’ve even changed my profile pic to him!
Dear Diary,
OMG!! I’m a COUNCILLOR and my badge looks so C-O-O-L! Sadly, Sean or Catherine aren’t either! Boohoo for them but yay! for me!
Dear Diary,
Oh yea, throughout the week Cheese YOU KNOW WHO was kinda creeping me out. In SSR he sorta stares and draws his fingers on his desk and I caught him staring one or two times, like full on. Then on Friday I has to sit next to him during area assembly, awkward. I mean Cheese isn’t a bad guy, he’s fine, like he’s not punk/goth, smokes, plays PSP constantly. But THAT DOES NOT MEAN I LIKE HIM!!! OK ??? – That’s with extra emphasis.
Dear Diary,
I have huge news—Walter TALKED TO ME! OMG! For Once! (OK maybe not for the first time but it was probably the 1st time in Term 2) During music rotation WALTER stood right next to me! Barely 3 cm apart! Then his friend was like “Hey [REDACTED], why are you drawing on your book?” and I said “cuz I can”. I KNOW! I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING MORE WITTIER THAN THAT. Then Walter’s like “naughty…” and I went pink. God! At least he doesn’t think I am a goody goody 2 shoes, which I sorta am.
2022
Dear Diary,
Arela: Reading this back is my ninth circle of hell.
Dear Diary,
Nancy: Not a lot has changed. I’m still painfully melodramatic, on Team Peeta, and have something against punk/goth dudes who smoke and play PlayStation games.
I would like to sincerely apologise to the people who were put on my younger self’s enemy lists. Hope y’all are doing well and have not found yourselves expelled, or sent to a poo dungeon. But, fuck you Ms Paul for making me sit next to Jim.
