This multimillionaire star whose entire physique is curated for a movie role is 68, looks 17. Students hate them!
“Act your age”, huh? Pfft. Our generation never stood a chance when the hot teens on our screens were actually 20-something-year-old actors. In exchange for legal-age eye-candy, we got unrealistic body-image expectations (still waiting on those cheekbones, Lord) and images of teens with receding hairlines. Nevertheless, it’s almost an unpleasant rite of passage to realise the 17-year-old cutie with the tragic backstory you crushed on in Year 10 is played by a future Hollywood A-Lister born in 1992. So, this week, our editors at Craccum take a look at the worst of these geriatric teenage castings and rip them a new one.
The Entire Cast of Euphoria in Euphoria
Maddy: I’ll admit that high school is certainly a time period where we try out new experimental looks. However, the idea that Maddy stomps down her high school corridors with neon green eyeshadow and an I.AM.GIA set without being absolutely torched by her friends is unbelievable. I was still struggling with my foundation shades at 16, let alone nailing a double-winged, star studded cat eye. I assume that Maddy’s electric confidence is something that comes with Alexa Demie’s age—we think she’s 31 (but it’s also possible that she’s an immortal being).
Nancy: Once you reached Year 13 in my high school, as a reward for not dropping out or running away from institutionalised education, you could wear mufti. In my experience, all I remember wearing to school was the same three pairs of sweatpants and hoodies on rotation. I’m not even saying that to come across as ~not like other girls~, my poor mental health made getting dressed in the morning and just being on school grounds a near impossible task. While some people may have rocked fuschia glittery eyeshadow in the halls, I think I speak for most teenagers (who are just going through it) when I say that NO teenager had the time or effort to look like Cassie.
Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter
Nancy: I grew up as THAT Harry Potter kid who graffitied their Smiggle pencil case with deathly hallows signs and quotes like “don’t let the muggles get you down”. So, when I found out that the actress for Moaning Myrtle was 36 YEARS OLD at age 11, I didn’t think too much about it given my blind devotion to the fandom. However, in retrospect, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE DIRECTORS??? The actress was old enough to be the golden trio’s mum for god’s sake. But to be fair, there are aspects of the HP universe that are more concerning and deserving of our attention—aka JK Rowling and her transphobia!
Arela: I bought this middle-aged woman playing a dead child then, and I buy it now.
The entire Riverdale cast in Riverdale
Gabbie: I’ve got so much to say but let me start at: KJ Apa. Why? How is Archie THAT ripped and he’s supposed to be 15? Yeah nah, what a joke. Also, when Riverdale aired, I was 17. To have people that look like Camila Mendes and Lili Reinhart play teens younger than I am, is definitely a greeting to my self-image issues.
Arela: Tbh, the plot lines in Riverdale were more unbelievable than the casting—and Reggie was played by two actors older than 26. What in the fuck even was that?
The entire cast (including Tom Holland) in The Entire Spiderman Universe
Gabbie: Yes because Liz Allan from Spiderman: Homecoming was supposed to be a senior in high school but she was 27, when that was filmed and she is crazy gorgeous and toned. No one has arms like that at 17, babe.
Maddy: In the original Sam Raimi Spidey movies, it’s virtually impossible to tell the difference between the students and the teachers. Upon a recent rewatch I burst out laughing as one adult growls another for not bringing in their homework. It’s probably not helped by the fact Tobey Maguire was 26 during filming.
Arela: This is pretty controversial but Tom Holland walks the line between looking both 16 and 52 to me. He’s got a baby face for sure, and that’s how he gets away with playing his 15-year-old version of Spider-Man at 19. But when the light hits him a certain way (so 50% of the movie) he looks like he should be playing a Netflix romcom divorcee—next.
Darren Barnet in Never Have I Ever
Arela: Absolutely, Darren Barnet can fucking get it. He still deserves jail for being 28 playing a 16-year-old in season one who’s kinda(?) dating a 15-year-old played by an 18-year-old. You don’t need to be an engineering student to calculate that’s an entire MAN macking with someone barely-legal. I know age is just a number, and sure “Asian don’t raisin”. But if I was 16 seeing that dude-bro trying to get with a Year 11, I would be beyond uncomfortable (and unfortunately, kinda into it).
Danny and Sandy in GREASE
Maddy: Rizzo, BABE, give it up. You’re walking around the cafeteria with goddamn wrinkles. As a kid, I always thought these high schoolers looked extra old, though I also thought that the 50s setting really brought out their maturity. But, nope, turns out almost everyone in Grease was over 21 years old. Director Randal Kleiser, actually did “crow’s-feet” camera tests to make sure the characters looked the right age. Maybe the digital remastering of the film has also exacerbated the issue. I mean, the lead Pink Lady was 33 years old at the time she played an 18-year-old.
Arela: Ah, a classic. That I have not seen. John Travolta’s weirdly old face just puts me off.
Honourable mentions
The Love Interests in Every YA franchise you wished never happened
Maddy: Cara Delevigne plays the mysterious teenage girl-next-door in Paper Towns, at age 25. I mean, doesn’t that completely contradict the whole point of this film? John Green is trying to make a point about the harms of the manic-pixie-dream-girl and the dangers of creating a false image of a person—so they cast a mid-twenties Victoria’s Secret model to play an 18 year old. Cool.
Nancy: In the Divergent trilogy, the directors were actually forced to bump up Four’s age from 18 to 22—a measly attempt to account for Theo James’ ‘mature’ looks. As tall, dark and handsome as everyone’s adolescent crush Theo was and is, they really casted an almost 30 year man as the main love interest. This definitely fucked with 14-year-old me’s expectations. I’m sure other ex Pak college students can attest that our school did not have Year 13 boys with sexy back tattoos who could also run across trains hurtling at full speed.
