Hear ye, hear ye. The year is 2002. A tiny, bisexual Zoë stares up at Ariel’s cleavage on a grainy VCR.
Somewhere in the background, her Nana makes a banana milkshake. Bob the Builder toys scatter the floor. The stage is set for romance. Soon her crushes would mature to the likes of School of Rock’s Katie (cellooo, you gotta bass), Doctor Who’s Rose Tyler and the women on the cover of her parents’ Ali G DVD (a horrendous thought, I know). But for now, this scantily clad, hideously malnourished fish cartoon would be the apple of her impressionable eye.
In honour of looking back to what were, in hindsight, my first crushes, I’ve compiled a list of which Disney princesses I would take out to some royal banquet and hastily elope with (painfully wait while no one made a move because we couldn’t work out if the other was queer or like, just being really nice). I also distinguish those who I would slowly back away from maintaining eye contact before legging it down some palace corridor.
Princesses I would cherish until the end of time:
Tiana: Tiana works hard, has a healthy relationship with her mum, and can make a mean gumbo. In this parallel universe I’d be a Real HouseWife of New Orleans while she impressed everyone at her restaurant. When she was home we’d listen to the music her crocodile (alligator??) plays and dance into the night on the side of the Bayou. She is, in my opinion, the most underrated Disney princess and also, dare I say it, the best. Also, Naveen is the only attractive Disney prince. Sue me.
Jasmine: Jasmine takes no shit, is rich af, owns a TIGER, is definitely an Aries, and absolutely slaughters a two piece. My affair with Jasmine would be passionate, fleeting, and end in heartbreak – just as it should. She could punch me in the face and I would say thank you. Aladdin didn’t deserve her.
Belle: I feel like Belle would be perfect for me when we’re 70 and just want to wear track pants, a 1996 Baz Lurhman’s Romeo and Juliet floral shirt and read books in absolute silence without ever touching each other. I can’t wait for the day where I live with the love of my life, but sleep in my own bed in my own wing of an enormous palace. However, her long fingernails frightened me as a child. Hindsight’s 2020, baby.
Ariel: I love Ariel, but I do think I would get bored of her. She’s more on this list out of obligation for my past self. She is very pretty and sings well. I just don’t want someone to love me unconditionally. Also, she really is a fish, and I don’t think I can look past something like that.
- Merida, because she’s a badass and I want to learn archery.
- Rapunzel, for her classic bi bob.
- Elsa, a queer icon for sure, but personally too angsty for me.
Princesses I would avoid like the plague:
Snow White: Snow White always weirded me out. Even as a kid I hated her weird, fluffy bob. I hated it. Also her voice. Quit the crying bitch and take responsibility for your life. I get, the Queen tried to kill you. Move on. The monarchy is crumbling. Eat the rich. Also, I feel like there was an intense polyamory arrangement happening with the dwarves, and I’m just not prepared to immerse myself into that situation.
Cinderella: I once peed outside in the rain to avoid the rats that plagued a house I was staying at. Due to the fact Cinderella’s friends are exclusively mice, it’s just not worth it.
(The real queer icon in this movie is Lucifer, the cat).
Sleeping Beauty: Lazy bish.