Saw: Cary Elwes has just received a devastating phone call from Ben from Lost, where Ben threatens to shoot Cary’s wife and young daughter. He is understandably distraught, and goes somewhat catatonic. Adam, fellow prisoner: “Are you okay?” Audience screams in laughter.
Saw II: I try not to vomit. Not due to the content, but because I downed KFC and Academy’s cocktails in an attempt to partake in the binging and hedonism going on in the theatre.
Saw III: Audience begins to die down now, aware of the long night ahead. I have changed into pajama pants and have downed a bottle of wine. Two catty gays assume I’m wasted. I’m really not!
Saw IV: Midnight, audience now aware of the mistake they have made. Things are feeling bleak now, and we hate everyone on screen.
Saw V: Someone goes out to shit for 45 minutes. Luke from Gilmore Girls gets turned into gore paste, and I accidentally laugh at a tragic miscarriage subplot when the movie cuts scenes abruptly. Still good!
Saw VI: Of the 40-something that began, 13 remain in the audience. And the best movie since the first one! Guy gets injected with acid at the end. Also, Jigsaw has a flashback where he tries to get his wife horny, and I am the only one cackling.
Saw 3D: It has been 13 hours. My eyes have glassed over, my ass is concrete, but I am free. Also, Cary Elwes totally murders a guy. “Nooo don’t cut off ur foot ur so sexy haha”