Edward Penishands is a mostly predictable 87 minute reproduction of Tim Burton’s original, but with Edward spraying spunk everywhere through his well-endowed hands. It begins with a door-to-door dildo saleswoman – the Dildo Lady – intruding on Edward’s dusty lair and insisting on selling her plastic dongs. After some conventionally bad-and-unnecessarily-loud porn fucking, she decides that she will take him home because, in her words, “the neighbourhood is going to love you”. And indeed, the neighbourhood does. Despite the various encounters that Edward’s hands come across, Edward falls madly in love with the Dildo Lady’s daughter. One thing that I unfortunately cannot erase from my memory is Edward rubbing his hands together while ogling at a framed picture of her. I did enjoy how loyal this film was to its original. However, it is disappointing that the plot halts at anytime that a character begins to fuck Edwards hands. ‘90s porn clichés aside, whoever plays Edward must be commended for his commitment towards the puppy-eyed, confused Edward demeanor. The best thing is that he looks even more sad and concerned when his hands are in someone’s orifices.
Paul Norman has left a few plot holes though – do Edwards hands always stay erect? It’s average porn, but the essence of Burton’s original is well captured. Apparently, Burton has watched it too.
5/10: Edward looks remarkably like Robert Smith here
