HEARSAY! (News with less of those boring ‘facts’)
As discovered by this Craccum editor on a Sunday morning, a benevolent student of our university had charitably deposited a generous serving of (what was made out to be) a meal involving Shadows toasted sandwiches and one-too-many Shadows Piss JugsTM outside of our office doorstep over the weekend. (WARNING: This article probably shouldn’t be read over lunch, at the risk of starting your own delivery service.)
The reactions in the Craccum office have been multitudinous, with our editors having mixed reactions to the unexpected weekend delivery:
Craccum Editor-in-Chief Bailley Verry speculated whether bacon was present in the strange concoction. Upon further consultation with Shadows staff, it was confirmed that bacon was indeed present in their “bacon and egg toasties”, and with this writer noticing an “eggy smell”, it became more and more likely to this investigator that bacon was generously included as (what can only be called) a bonus offering.
Craccum Features Editor Cameron Leakey quoted “well it was focking one of yas” in reference to the popular internet meme, adding on “it’s fockeen disgusten”.
Craccum Arts Editor Lachlan Mitchell (also known by Craccum proofreaders as Lachlan Mitchel, or Lachlan Mitcehll) expressed his shock and horror towards the unconventional method of delivery, proclaiming “something was sacrificed there” upon viewing the abomination.
Meanwhile, the offering drew a positive reaction from Craccum Visual Arts Editor Daphne Zheng who summarized the whole ordeal as being “hot”. While her views were not shared amongst the Craccum community, her unwavering commitment to finding art in weird places reaffirms why she is such a valuable member to our team.
Craccum Lifestyle and Community Editor Claudia Russell meanwhile expressed a similar distaste as to Lachlan over the event, exclaiming “oh my godd” over the sight of it. Having not been seen in the office since, it is safe to say that the delivery was clearly not to our Lifestyle editor’s liking.
Contributions-starved sad-man and occasional Craccum News Editor Daniel Meech said, while he would have normally found the act disgusting, the lack of news contributors this year has meant he has to “remain open to any and all contributions to the section”. “It’s not the best contribution I’ve had to date,” he said, “but I reckon we could squeeze half a page out of it”. Daniel remains hopeful the bounteous floating chunk will gain sentience in time to hand in a news summary for next week’s issue.
An expeditious extraction of the delivery was performed by AUSA’s generous custodian, who handled the adversity “like a champ[ion]”. After prolonged exposure to the affected area, Craccum have informed the custodian of various health and counselling services offered by the university, and would like to extend the same offer to any student who witnessed the transaction with our doorstep take place.