Coachella 2023: just as much of a fuck-up as your deadbeat ex
If you follow the music or arts scene even loosely, by now you’ve probably seen all the major headlines from both Coachella weekends. Frank Ocean starts his Weekend One set 40 minutes late and it doesn’t get live streamed. He hints at a new album during the set, then dips out of headlining at Weekend Two, citing a “fractured leg”. Everyone’s favourite crocodile and Camilla Cabello are all over each other like two horny high schoolers again. Bad Bunny apologises for verbally shitting all over Harry Styles.
In spite of (or perhaps because of) the relative lack of drama, Coachella this year was disappointing. Boring outfits, missed sets, spotty live streaming coverage, and a nagging feeling that Coachella is no longer really about the music anymore.
Since the rise of TikTok over the pandemic, it’s become another influencer olympic event. If you’re an influencer, or at least consider yourself to be one, the chances are you’re not going for the music. You’re going to sit around in love-heart nipple stickers, maybe do a tab half covered in glitter and desert sand, and then pay $15USD for an iced coffee. Then, you finally head over to your TikTok and post about what a great time you had, when in reality you paid a ludicrous amount of money to sit around frying in the sun, see an artist give half a set before dipping, and get a cool 100,000 likes on a video you made called “GRWM FOR DAY ONE OF COACHELLA!!!”
Evidence in favour of Coachella coming to its end?
Vanessa Hudgens didn’t show up. The very same girlie that was on that infamous Instagram live in 2020 crying about how Coachella had been cancelled due to Covid-19 restrictions, in spite of thousands of mass deaths across the USA. She’s set the fashion standard for the festival for years, but she’s done her dash. If Vanessa has gotta go her own way just like she did back in High School Musical 2, maybe the festival has, too.
Frank Ocean couldn’t even be arsed to come back for Weekend Two, even though his headline event had been pending since pre-pandemic times in 2020. Sure, he cited that sprained leg, but as a disabled person, I say: get that man a stool for the stage. He literally had one during Weekend One, and it’s not like it’s his style to run around the stage during his sets anyway. Organisers were left scrambling at the last minute to find a new headliner for Sunday 23 April (closing night), and announced on Twitter the day before Weekend Two kicked off that the ominous performer was “TBA”. The title of this article comes from a top liked comment underneath the post. People aren’t happy with the organisation, that much is clear. Perhaps Coachella is set to be the next victim of influencer cancel culture.
But, the point still seems to stand that influencers are paying exorbitant amounts of money for tickets before they even know who is performing. And if you’re a B or A list influencer, realistically you’re probably not even at the performances themselves: Revolve is treating you so well with their invite-only, exclusive free party that you’re good just to have a few drinks there, kick back and take a ride on their bougie carousel.
On a side note, is anyone else seeing the glaring similarities between Coachella and a certain New Zealand educational institution? They get some attractive people to promote their mediocre efforts on TikTok and Instagram, but behind the glossy facade is just generally shitty administration and a cooked money making scheme.
Following Frank Ocean’s dip, a headliner pulling out at the last minute is certainly nothing that the festival hasn’t seen before. Last year, Kayne West also changed his mind right before the festival began (though as I’m sure goes without saying, given the circumstances, this was less of a shock). Swedish House Mafia and the Weeknd played a tag team set in his place.
Also, James Charles is a big guest name around Coachella. Not much more to say on this, really. If his bedazzled ass crack is something to watch out for at a music festival, it’s a pretty sad reflection of the state of the festival itself.
The fashion scene, which Coachella has been known for since it premiered in 1999, has also seemingly gone down the drain. Big names like Kendall Jenner rocked up in jeans, while Zoey Deutch wore a t-shirt and denim skirt that one fashion magazine likened to something they would’ve worn to their year 6 disco. It seems rich people are now opting to jump onboard the “stealth wealth” train for Coachella—in other words, continuing to wear sponsored outfits that cost tens of thousands of dollars, but said outfits look like what my mum was grabbing me from the Pumpkin Patch clearance sale in 2009.
On a final, and particularly brutal ending note, the festival itself didn’t even sell out. People were literally selling tickets on Twitter and Tiktok hours before the second weekend kicked off, begging people to take them off their hands after Frank Ocean cancelled. While Twitter doom-scrolling, I saw comments like, “looking for someone to buy my wknd2 pass!! half price need it gone, serious inquiries only!” It’s a sad state for one of the Western world’s biggest and brightest music festivals of the 21st century to be chewed up and spat out on Twitter days before it happens.
What used to be a solidly good music festival is now being wasted on the rich and beautiful—just like pretty much everything else that enters the realm of popular culture. And that’s not to say that the festival has gone to shit completely: Blackpink made history as the first K-pop band to ever headline Coachella, and Bad Bunny gave two great weekend performances to rave reviews. Some festival goers actually seemed pretty pleased when Skrillex, Four Tet and Fred Again were announced as the “TBA” act in replacement of Frank Ocean, set to play the final act of the 2023 festival right after blink182. Labyrinth brought Zendaya on stage for a surprise performance in his Weekend Two set, which sent Euphoria fans through the roof. He did, however, also invite every autistic person’s least favourite “ally” Sia to join him on his set, which I think dulls my rating of his performance a bit.
In fact, Coachella is so convinced of the ongoing success of their festival that despite growing troubles, there’s murmurings that next year they’ll start charging people for “weekend live stream passes”. That’s right, now people can pay to watch this shitshow from home. Fair to say, I won’t be writing a Coachella article next year if that’s the case: as soon as my research goes behind a paywall, you’re all in the dark. In the words of our queen Vanessa, “sad, but like…inevitable?”
As someone that is not particularly music savvy beyond the realm of Disney Channel Original soundtracks, what I’ve concluded is this: if you’re into music or fashion, you’ve probably got better festivals to pay attention to than Coachella. If you’re into YouTube roasts and bitter commentaries making fun of rich people, buckle up your seatbelts for next April: things are getting good.
