With the university’s budget for the previous fiscal year having recently landed on the desk of the Vice-Chancellor’s office, there is a lot to be made upon the viewing of these new figures. Given that none of us here at Craccum are Commerce majors, we’re going to spare you the tedious numbers and jump to saying that a particular constituent within the Vice-Chancellor’s office isn’t particularly bemused with these new figures. In fact, despite it being his last year on the coveted throne of Vice-Chancellor, he has vowed to set the ship right with these drastic changes to the university’s budget.
1. Pay for the Barracks Lawn to be turned into parking space
With the OGGB parking lot filling up during the day, Stuart has requested that his parking space be moved closer to his Clock Tower office. As a result, the university has decided to pave over Barracks lawn in order to provide more accessible parking for Stuart and senior management. The clubs serving vegan lunches are not happy with this decision, as they are accustomed to serving patrons at the location. However, with the generous partnership of the Meat Club, the university has set up a sausage sizzle fundraiser to purchase the vegan clubs a food truck. Sources tell us that the university has also accepted sponsorship from Fossil Fuel companies in order to fund the charitable initiative.
2. Fund a new reality TV show on campus – “I’m a Deputy Vice Chancellor, Get Me Out of Here”
With the senior management team getting too large for Stuart’s ego to handle, it has become imperative for the most expendable member of the team to be culled with haste. A spin on the popular British TV show “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!”, over the next year the university will be flying out all members of the Senior Management Team to the Waiheke satellite campus. Without the regular comfort of extortionate coffee shops and heavily-inflated housing prices, it’s anyone’s guess towards who will be the first to crack!
3. Locate the Tamaki Campus
This one isn’t so much a budget point as it is for Stuart’s own edification. No one on the senior management team is currently able to pinpoint the facility’s exact location, however lowly sources have indicated it is somewhere within the Auckland region. Stuart has hired the same team responsible for the Madeleine McCann search to locate the campus once and for all. Clearly he hasn’t been following the Madeleine McCann search.
4. Fund the relocation of the Student Health and Wellbeing services to the Waiheke satellite campus
With the university’s Student Health and Wellbeing services already reaching full capacity by week 2 of the semester, it is clear that the current programme is unable to cope with its existing demand from students. By moving the Student Health and Wellbeing service to the Waiheke satellite campus, not only does it reduce attendance numbers, but it also makes this service available to a whole new crowd of students. Existing students in the city campus have expressed concern over the facility’s distant move; as compensation, the university press will be printing Hare Krishna self-help books for these students, at a cost of 5 dollars to cover printing.
5. Sell the existing $80 million Epsom campus and move the Faculty of Education into a basement in Symonds Street
Well, this one is happening.
6. Pay for the Auckland Explorer bus to stop by the Law Marina
With the law faculty claiming to be underappreciated and hidden from the university, under mounting pressure, Stuart has paid the yellow Auckland Explorer bus company to add the university’s law school to its itinerary. Adding the location to its 15 stop journey, tourists will now be able to stop and stare at the university’s students crippling under the stress and physical exhaustion of a Law degree. The Davis Law library will be replaced by a gift shop, where novelty items such as authentic Law Part II rejection letters, lost laptop chargers and counterfeit models of Ritalin are available for purchase.
7. Facilitate the removal of Craccum
To the best of Stuart’s knowledge, Craccum is the name of the Chinese food stall down in the quad, next to UniSushi. Since it is no longer economically viable for the University to feed its students, it has been decided that Craccum is to no longer be a part of the university. In its place, a Studylink call centre will be opened. Development of this new facility will commence once Stuart manages to get through on the phone to Studylink.