On behalf of the University leadership, we are sorry for renting you a Parnell mansion at half the market rate and giving you a $755,000 salary.
Kidding! But we do feel guilty that everyone is mad at you about it #dawnfreshwaterisoverparty. Honestly, we didn’t think the students would care. I guess students take notice when you take advantage of them — who’d have known?
We thought the outside spa and a lap pool would be necessary to impress our guests at University-related events that for some reason we can’t hold on campus (probably because the city campus is under construction 24/7). And of course, we needed five bedrooms, in case potential investors needed to crash after a long evening of discussing where they’d like their name placed in the new rec centre.
I know we didn’t even use the mansion for functions because of COVID-19 and everything, but we totally planned to.
Anyway, as you know, we’re in a shit ton of debt. Not to mention we’ve now got the Auditor-General up our ass to make sure we’re not “misspending money” and that our expenses have a “justifiable business purpose”.
We’ve already come up with some easy ways to save money, like asking contract staff to work without pay. Donating an undisclosed amount to student support funds will also make us look really good. But we will have to cut back on some of your perks this year.
Thanks for telling the public you’ve offered to sell your house and that you don’t want the University to buy you a new one. You really saved our asses! But we want to ensure you have access to some of the same luxuries you’re used to.
We have a place in mind that we think would be perfect for you to stay. It’s ten stories, with 903 bedrooms, has volleyball and petanque courts, as well as several table tennis tables.
You won’t have access to all the rooms, just a cute three-room apartment. We know it’s a downsize from your last accommodation. But what it lacks in space indoors makes up for outdoors, with the Auckland domain as your backyard.
The location is ideal, being within walking distance to the University, just in case you want to show some face and talk to the students up close and personal.
Unfortunately, you will be neighbours with just under 700 residents, who are mostly University students. But it is a brand new university accommodation development, and we can definitely save you a room.
The students have complained about your rent and living costs compared to theirs, so why not slum it with the undergrads to show how not “out of touch” you are.
Our deepest apologies for taking so long for us to defend you in a public statement and take responsibility for this mess. We are just a tiny bit scared of being ripped to shreds by the media. And no doubt those damn “student journalists” at Craccum will have something to say.
You might also have to pay back the discounted rent.
Scott St John
Chancellor, University of Auckland
Disclaimer: This was not the actual apology written by the Chancellor, and is meant as a satirical version