Who Asked You? Sex Week Edition
Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
I slept with a girl before quarantine, and now we’re back at uni, it turns out she’s obsessed with me. How do I tell her it was just a one night stand?
“Hey girl, listen. It was fun hooking up, but for me, it was a one-time thing and I’m not interested in anything more. You’re a cool person, and I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s looking for the same thing you are.”
Just c o m m u n i c a t e. When it comes to sex, the biggest mistake you can make is AMBIGUITY. Everyone involved has to be straight-up. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Every man that shows obvious interest in me finds a girlfriend soon after our last interaction – is it me?
Yes, it’s your fault for being interested in men. I kid, I kid; unfortunately that can’t be helped.
Are you making it clear that you are interested in them too? Bear in mind that men are as perceptive as the mirror side of two-way glass in this arena. (Yeah, yeah, whatever – #notallmen, go back to Reddit.) If you’re into them and not being clear, you’ve found your answer. If you’re not into them in the first place, then why give a fuck what they do? If you’re being clear AND you’re into them, then it’s time to find some better men.
Or maybe you’re a dick. I mean, you could be Charles Manson for all I know. Maybe you drive them away because you’re actually a reverse mermaid (fish head, human legs), or you’re a card-carrying member of the R. Kelly Defence Squad, or maybe you even go to AUT.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ (SEXY) TIP
So, you’ve got a partner who’s trying to convince you to do something in bed. You don’t really want to, but they’re being insistent, and you feel pressured. Here are five fool-proof ways to sort it out:
- Bark very loudly, directly in their face. Repeat every single time they mention the thing.
- Literally murder them. According to Section 69 of the Crimes Act, it is legal to do this.
- Tell them that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would never do it. Everyone on Earth agrees with The Rock about everything ever. There will be no more room for debate.
- Put a poisonous snake in your pants (trained, of course, so it doesn’t bite you). It will attack if you are threatened.
- Legitimately, no joke, without any irony, spit on them and leave. Never talk to them again. They are trash and they do not respect you. You deserve to be safe.