Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.”
We’re all dealing with the hailstorm of shit that 2020 hath wrought, so here are some tips to stay sane in self-isolation before COVID-19 kills us all.
- Don’t panic. I know I just said we’re all going to die, but the point of me is to make jokes, alright? That’s what Craccum doesn’t pay me to do. They’re bad, sure, but they are technically jokes.
- Do your fuckin laundry. This is mostly aimed at me. I have one pair of underwear left, so why am I watching Orange is the New Black instead of doing washing? Because I’m a disaster. Don’t be like me, kids.
- Do the fuckin vacuuming. See above.
- Call your bloody grandparents. Those guys are really going through it at the moment. Call them and tell them you love them. NOTE: they may have a heart attack from sheer joy. Be prepared to call 111.
- Watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Oh, you’ve already seen it? Watch it again. Then watch it two more times.
- Write all the due dates for your assignments in your calendar. I’m not dumb enough to suggest you start working on any of them – we all know that’s not going to happen. But for god’s sake, at least figure out when you need to start them (i.e. the day they’re due).
- Look out the window. Study the outside world. Long for its embrace. Realise you are just loosely-connected carbon atoms drifting through a soulless void. Eat salt and vinegar chips.
- Clean the fucking bathroom. See 2.
- FaceTime your friends. Isolation can be rough. Stay connected. Or use this opportunity to drop that friend you secretly hate. Either way, your time inside will be very rewarding.
- Try needlepoint. I don’t really know what that is, I just wanted this list to be an even 10.