Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
How will I ever find more social mixers to go to after lockdown ends?
What the hell is a “social mixer?” If you mean a party, I suggest asking someone who actually has a life. If you mean like a meet-and-greet, get in touch with CDES. If you mean a mixing between social classes, contact your local chapter of the Communist Party.
What do I do when my mother is being a dick during lockdown?
Heroin.
How do I focus on my online lectures? Please help me, every time I sit down in front of my computer I somehow end up on Club Penguin. I would literally rather cut my hand off than write my essay about media consciousness in contemporary sci-fi. It’s due in thirty minutes. I’m literally begging you, my degree is on the line.
This question is from me. I wrote it. For the love of God, someone help me.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP:
Hey, Mr Muller! Congrats on the promotion! I’ve got a little tip for you; women are human beings, not baby-making machines. Next time a vote about women’s rights comes up, do us all a favour and either recuse yourself, or just vote in direct contrast to your instincts because frankly they suck. Women are funny creatures; we don’t like it when men tell us what to do. Weird, huh? If you get elected, they’re going to be half of your constituents. Maybe don’t tell them that you know what’s best for their bodies, you wet boiled egg in a suit? Opening the door for your wife doesn’t count as respecting her as a person, dawg. Last time I checked, you had neither a medical degree nor a uterus, so go ahead and don’t pretend to have any fucking idea what you’re talking about in regard to either field. Loved the outfit at your first press conference! Big fan of the whole Lex Luthor look you’ve cultivated. Catch up soon! Xxx
