Auckland bars may be shut-down, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reminisce about the good ole days. As self-proclaimed town rats with extensive knowledge of the Auckland nightlife, The Boys are What have decided to give you a review; going through the good, the bad, and the absolute creatures that you’ll find in each of its clubs.
Right, there’s no two ways about it, this place has the shittiest playlist out of any of the clubs on this list. This is where you’ll find the same top 50 songs from 2012 on repeat, mixed in with the High School Musical and Hannah Montana soundtracks. Despite being an absolute assault on the ears for anyone with taste, it’s hard to resist the $3 cruisers and multitude of freshers that frequent this club.
- MUSIC: 3/10
- TALENT: 5/10
- DRINK PRICES: 9/10
- FLOOR STICKINESS: 10/10
- OVERALL: 5/10
If you enjoy long waits for entrance, getting bounced when you’ve only had two drinks, and house music on loop all night, then this is the club for you. More commonly known as ‘Siftpala’ thanks to the endless stream of high school boys looking to get lucky on their first night in town, this is the place to go if you’re after a club with considerably more boys than girls, and occasionally bearable music. P.S. I’m in love with every bartender that works there, so if you’re reading this please DM me.
- MUSIC: 6.5/10
- TALENT: 7.5/10
- DRINK PRICES: 6/10
- BARTENDERS: 11/10 (I’m not kidding please DM me)
- OVERALL: 7/10
A personal favourite of ours, this is probably the only club where you can get silly with the boys to some filthy Drum n Bass. This is the natural habitat of a creature who is a slave to the doof and can often be found with their high beams on full blast, known as the ‘Sesh Gremlin’ (Gender neutral). Despite having the best music, it’s usually hit or miss and can often be kind of empty, which can be blamed on the Gremlins scaring away the (people too sober to enjoy its full potential) less twisted people.
- MUSIC: 9/10
- TALENT: 6.5/10
- DRINK PRICES: 7/10
- CHANCES OF REMEMBERING YOUR NIGHT: 0/10
- OVERALL: 8/10
An underrated club, with a little something for everyone. They usually have a good mix of all types of music, and there’s usually a half decent ratio there. Another big selling point is the teapots on offer that you can use to get your mates proper twisted for a reasonable price. However, be careful, as after a few too many teapots you might find yourself tumbling down the stairs on the way out, which are annoyingly narrow for some stupid reason.
- MUSIC: 8/10
- TALENT: 6.5/10
- DRINKS: 7.5/10
- THOSE STUPID FUCKING STAIRS: -2/10
- OVERALL: 7.5/10
Even though we act like we know what we’re talking about, we’re just a couple of muppets who’ve been to town a few times and think that gives us the right to judge these clubs. You’re going to have to get out there and experience them all yourself to have a real opinion. These aren’t all the clubs/bars out there though, so keep an eye out for part 2.
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