Every day I’m 6,000 steps closer towards becoming a milf
My only aspiration in life is becoming a milf. This Craccum and university degree thing are all side hustles intended to help me become a literate hot LuluLemon mum who can win her husband in every political debate. A quintessential part of my milfication is hot girl walks, the only form of exercise that passes the vibe check. For those wondering, this is the one and only piece of sports content that will be featured in the 2022 Lifestyle section. I don’t make the rules. Except that I do. And in my books, hot girl walks are most definitely a sport, thank you very much.
Now that I’ve pissed off all the gym bros, for everyone else looking to embark on the path of milfication, or just after a mental and spiritual transformation—here’s why you should start hot girl walking.
Ever wondered how hot girls have that glow that seems to radiate from within? You can’t be crusty when you’re not stressed! Or more accurately, less-stressed than you would be without taking daily walks. Especially with the dreaded exam period around the corner, hot girl walks are the perfect thing for study breaks to refresh your fried brain cells, and your will to not drop out. Pop on your favourite album or podcast, chuck on some comfy walking shoes, and ban yourself from not thinking about the agonies of life for however long you decide to strut around your block. It’s a great form of meditation for people who can’t sit still, or deal with only having ambient noise streaming into their ears.
Alternatively, if the no-thoughts lifestyle isn’t for you, hot girl walks are incredible for fleshing out your latest imaginary scenario. With all those endorphins pumping in, naturally the creative juices needed to add the next chapter to your elaborate plot, where Harry Styles as a half-blood vampire adopts you as his kid, will also flow through. Other productive uses of these regular walks could be planning your week or taking the time to self-reflect. But, fantasising about Harry thirsting over your sweet blood while he signs your legal adoption papers is what we would all much rather be thinking about.
Aside from its various mental health benefits, hot girl walking is a great way to explore a new place. Add some structure to your walks by planning your route around a cafe you’ve always wanted to check out, embarking on a trail at a nearby park, or using your walk to run errands, like your weekly grocery shop.
Remember those walking school buses back in primary school? Utilise your hot girl walks as a social activity. Going on a cheeky walk with a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with is not only a student-budget friendly activity, but there is something inherently more fun about shit-talking with your bestie when you’re both dressed in activewear. The gossip, the tea is just so much juicier when both of you look like PTA-milfs complaining about the horrible zucchini gluten-free muffins Linda brought to book club.
But, here’s an important public service announcement for all the girlies: do not wear noise-cancelling headphones if you plan on hot girl walking alone. As great as being zoned into your music or podcast is, please leave one earphone out, or shift your headphones a little off your ears so that you can hear some outside noise. The hottest thing about hot girl walks is protecting your personal safety and making it home safe and sound.