Voyeurism – with the natural aversion to human contact that comes with being an engineer, you’ve found that what really gets you off is the act of watching others take part in sexual activity. You don’t want to engage with the nasty fluids and the physical grinding of sex, oral or otherwise, as the only grinding you wanna do is for exp yields. No, it’s the act of being invited into the activity without taking part… that’s what works for you.
Public humiliation – you wanna study in the wide open, where the world can see you? Surrounded by hundreds of stressed people that just wanna go home, spilling all their dirty food on the floor and not giving a shit? You wanna do this willingly? Yeah, you’re a sick fuck. And that’s what you like. You wanna be embarrassed. You wanna blush after holding up the line at the printer, or forcing some poor guy to wait 20 minutes for you to log off. You wanna become visibly stressed after realising that none of the table chargers work, and your assignment due in 15 minutes isn’t gonna be finished in time. That humiliation… it drives you.
No Kink – you’re vanilla as fuck, the library of all places, that’s the most basic place you can study. You skipped the ending of Grease because you thought it was too daring, too big a change, you weak shit. Get it together. You need to spice things up a bit, get out of the house, buy a whip or something. Walk around with some fuzzy handcuffs and leave the key at home. Do something with your life! You’re 20 something and in the prime of it! Just be careful, once you unleash yourself, you won’t be able to control the beast that lies within. Or maybe there’s just a pampered little poodle inside. It doesn’t matter – but you need to find out.
Forniphilia- drinking your coffee and opening your laptop in such a relaxing environment seems simple, yes? But you need more. It’s not enough that the chairs are comfortable, if cramped- they have to be chairs that you bend to your whim. Pulsate, even. That’s forniphilia: you need humans to be acting like furniture for your desires. Sit down, take a load off. The chair might be backless, but the human back is just waiting for you to plant your arse firmy on it.
Cross Dressing – gender is only a construct, baby. And you’ve constructed some beautiful feather boas that you just need to wear at Aotea Square at 3am. You’re a goddess, Venus in Furs. You’re the delight that pleases all sights. And we at Craccum support your every endeavour in this regard.
Masochism – continuing to come back to UoA after getting your degree? Willingly submitting to the shit-stanky thumb of McCutcheon even though you’re now capable of flying free, and getting into the career you so want? That’s masochism, babe. Imagine choosing to sit around UoA for fun. Imagine choosing to come back here, year after year, when so much of the world is just flying by. Does it turn you on? Make you sweat?
Piss fetish – but not just any piss, oh no. You can’t get by with just regular old urine. No, only the piss of the bourgeoisie will work for you. Not because the great unwashed are what you desire in life, but rather, the fact that they’re reduced to pissing on you for $$$ is what really works for you. Like the poor having to sell their plasma to pay rent, pissing on you just to survive while you thrive in your infinite wisdom is what you just adore.
Electrostimulation – those physics labs upstairs sure are tempting… awfully so, in fact. Hook those electrode cables up to your nipples. Doesn’t it just make them up? A little orange juice to increase the conduction and away you go. You see nothing wrong in utilising what science created; maybe Tesla would have won the war against Edison if he just showcased the stimulative power of his current. In any case, you feel like you’re part of a worldwide system, just a hard little node in a big, throbbing circuit board.
Asphyxiation – like the dreams of so many without the money to afford perpetual legal battles against their big bad aggressors, you wanna be choked out. Ugh, doesn’t it just get you tingling just thinking about it? That fine line between life and death, fighting to keep your eyes from rolling back and finding that bright, white light; that’s the stuff of legend, honey. If you die, so what? The guarantee is that you’ll go out with a smile. And wet sheets. Isn’t that the greatest justice of them all?