Hey you, Zoom can be pretty cool, but you know what makes it even cooler? Backgrounds. Next time you have a zoom call, choose a bold background to set the mood. What mood you ask? Domination. It’s time to make a power move and set a background that will establish you as the alpha of the zoom call.
You’re the law now. This is your courtroom and you’re taking charge. If anyone speaks, interject and bring order to the courtroom. You will not be disrespected. Start dealing with personal grievances during the call. Refer to your lecturer as the defendant. Judy always looks for the truth and so should you.
How kinky and not at all inappropriate. The Red Room symbolises sexual domination and that’s a strong background choice for your next zoom tutorial. Make sure the whips and chains are in full view. Occasionally lick your lips.
You’re the lecturer now. Mirror their home office background. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery – but this isn’t about that, it’s about replacing the lecturer and establishing your place at the top of the food chain.
Bonus Point: dress the same as the lecturer.
Bonus Bonus Point: cut your hair the same as the lecturer.
Tell everyone how much you love the university. UoA is the best! You just love university and you want to let the whole class know! Give me a fucking A please! ahaha
Bonus Point: tell everyone this is where your future office is.
Jokes on you all, I’ve already graduated. I don’t need this class, I’ve already finished.
Bonus Point: wear a Lolly Necklace.
Bonus Bonus Point: start reading out names of students in the call and send them pdf participation certificates.
A metaphor for your sinking grades this semester, remind everyone of the disaster that was the Titanic, and the disaster that will be the rest of their degrees.
Bonus Point: play the shitty flute version of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ on loud speaker for the whole class.
Bonus Bonus Point: respond to questions with lines from the Titanic script.
What a cute dog. Oh shit wait isn’t that my dog, what the fuck how did you get that photo of my dog.
Bonus Point: wear a balaclava and use a voice-modifier.
Bonus Bonus Point: casually tell the lecturer you know where they live. Y’know. Just in case.
420 blaze it homies! Nothing says you’re a fucking cool kid like having the weed logo everywhere. You blaze it, you light up a doobie, you inject the MaryWana, how sick bro. You’re gnarly! Make everyone see how totally cool you are.
Bonus point: Jamacian flag colours behind the weed leaf.
Bonus Bonus Point: play Bob Marley in the background.
Life is too short to give a fuck about university and academics. Blow off class in class by zooming in from the middle of Shadows bar. Help yourself to a couple of toasties mid-call. Challenge your tutor to a round of pool. Vorteke a long white. What the fuck is your tutor gonna do about it? Mute you?
Bonus point: get a flatmate to cosplay as Matt, the manager.
Bonus bonus point: have a pub quiz playing in the background.
Nothing says confidence like calling someone while you’re taking a shit. It sends a message: I’m in control, even when I’m at my most vulnerable. Does the rest of the call look uncomfortable? Good. Seize the moment. Thrive on their pain.
Bonus point: occasionally grunt and frown like you’re squeezing out a biggie.
Bonus Bonus point: when there’s a lull in the conversation, look slightly off camera and yell “Hey, I’m tryna take a shit in here!”
The Most Bonusest point: accentuate a really good point by pausing mid-sentence, wiping your ass, and then checking the toilet paper on screen. Then continue on like nothing happened.