The Craccum team makes their plans for the next few weeks. Outside of our uni work, blowing up the group chat, and keeping you all entertained for a couple minutes with quirky listicles, we are most likely going to have some time to kill. We just love productivity culture, so let’s lean in. Who will rise and grind? Who will sleep and eat?
Plan: Boss Monopoly
I’m not one to brag (I’m the humblest guy I know, after all), but I’ve always been unnaturally good at Monopoly. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s luck. Maybe it’s because I was a wanky, aristocratic industrialist in a past life. Maybe it’s because I frequently steal from the bank. Whatever the reason, I’ve never lost a game. Not once. I’ve never even come close – most of the games I’ve played with friends and family have ended somewhere in the first hour and a bit, after my economic stranglehold has squeezed the life out of the other players and turned the boardstate into a Jeff Bezos wet dream. So it shouldn’t be any surprise that, contrary to popular opinion, I fucking love playing Monopoly. Now that everyone is trapped inside, I’ll be dusting off this classic good-vibes killer a lot more often.
Before any of you read this and go and snitch on me, I’m talking about the app, okay? I got told to get Houseparty and now every single person in Auckland has joined it too. Honestly thank fuck for that, because not seeing my friends (and some of my family) for four weeks is a really sad prospect.
Houseparty is the ultimate time waster, it’s basically just Skype or Zoom – video conferencing is not a new concept – but they’ve made it cool for the kids! It has a cool icon, games, and you can use your bitmoji! Instantly, I’ve fallen for it and I’m all in. Otherwise, yes, I will be staying at home or running around my neighbourhood, crossing the road awkwardly to avoid those coming towards me.
Plan: Raid the alcohol shelf
Continuing my theme of setting low expectations for myself, I have a shelf of alcohol in my room which I expect to be gone by the end of lockdown. I’ve decided I’ll take a drink each time Ashley Bloomfield tells me not to panic.
Plan: Learn how to chill the fuck out
I’ve controversially (according to my parents) decided to stay in the peace and quiet of my empty flat for the lockdown in search of inner peace. I’ve always hated yoga because I can’t seem to switch my brain off for longer than five seconds and I get bored way too easily. My idea of relaxation is a full-out retro dance fit session at the Rec Centre. So during the lockdown, I’m gonna try to learn how to clear my mind, meditate and just chill out for longer than a few minutes.
Plan: Start a podcast about movies
Listen, if there’s one thing that the world needs during a complete lockdown, it’s more comedy podcasts about film, run by a white person. I’ve got to use my film degree for something, and ensure I monetise all my hobbies. It’s going to be a tough economy people, NO ENJOYMENT LEFT JUST $$$. It’s important to Be PRoduCTiVe. I will grace all movie fans with my opinion, which is always correct, to ensure that no one wastes their quarantine time on Marvel movies. I will only review A24 films that were shot on real film. None of that digital shit. Once I gain some loyal fans, who also wear pants slightly too short for them, I will make stickers and send them to my Patrons. We will have Netflix parties, and laugh at anyone who genuinely enjoyed Joker. That shit is ~ so derivative ~. In the event of an apocalypse my cult will rise. We will make sure that Martin Scorcese’s legacy lives on, and burn every last copy of Avengers: Endgame. Only the good half shall live. Oh shit, isn’t that what that Thanos dude says? Well, he seemed like a nice enough guy. Kinda thicc.
Plan: Animal Crossing 🙂
I’m gonna fuck Tom Nook.
Plan: Steal the neighbourhood fruit
My flatmate and I probably bring out the worst type A in each other. We are now trying to PB our runs around Sandringham. This activity also includes scouting out the nearby fruit trees and egging each other/boosting each other the fence to steal limes from the Central bowling club ($50 per kg I’m telling you). Our road is laden with three feijoa trees, and a mandarin tree!! There used to be two avocado trees in full bloom but some mother fucker on the street tied ribbons around all of the fruit to baggsy it?
Anyways, is this trespassing? Is this theft? Is this in violation of self-isolation rules? We’re just exercising like Jacinda told us, keeping 2m from other people and seeing what’s out and about. (We also picked up a mirror someone threw out yesterday… fingers crossed it ain’t haunted.)
Develop a nuclear arsenal Enrich my knowledge on science Let’s face it, these are fun times. The world will be in a bad state after the pandemic. A looming global recession (Finance Minister Grant Robertson warned it will be even worse than 2008 and some economists even said it will be even worse than the Great Depression) and rising nationalism means these are the perfect conditions to graduate and find a job. That’s why I am preparing for these challenging times by putting some effort into physics and building my own nuclear missiles during the lockdown. What a way to spend time because you can acquire the knowledge to keep your competitors in the cruel world awake at night, knowing someone could be launching a 100-megaton nuclear bomb on their heads.
Dr. Siouxsie Wiles made science look cool again during this mess and I should pick up on my science knowledge where I had left it.
Plan: Heal my sacral chakra and try not to get the shits
After watching a threatening video titled, “8 Signs You Have a Weak Sacral Chakra”, I learnt that I should surround myself with the colour orange and practise more emotionally cathartic activities. Sadly, my quiet and conservative household will place limits on appropriate noise levels, so perhaps catch me chanting mysacredbodyisavesselandItreatitwithrespect instead. Now that I have time to think about what I’m eating, I am also dedicating the next four weeks to finding out if I am dairy intolerant. I’ve only been putting off this experiment because I want to believe that I can stuff myself with bocconcini without feeling guilty on the bad days.