There’s something so endearing and so disgustingly tacky about ‘kiwiana’ food. Maybe it’s the garish graphic design. Maybe it’s the bizarre selection of only vaguely patriotic dishes. Maybe it’s the mobilisation of our ‘national’ image. Regardless, we often flock to supermarkets to try the weirdest snacks of the week. Looking to boot their sales, Bluebird has decided to release some bizarre new flavours with the ‘Kiwi Favourites’ range and we decided to taste test them at a very formal Craccum meeting. Now we’re just… feeling confused. And a bit angry.
Cheese and Onion Toasties
The Cheese and Onion Toastie is an absolute classic so to have it in chip form is a welcome homage. It’s not bad at all, with a crunch and taste that is well… familiar. Cheese and onion isn’t exactly a groundbreaking combination for chips but this is a safe Kiwiana chip option. Ka pai.
Comments from the Team:
Talia: “These taste like chicken. They’re just chicken. This is false advertising.”
Eda: “Ok, but when did chicken chips ever taste like chicken?”
Maddy: “These fuck soooo hard. Not quite as hard as the delightful and chemically dangerous Munchos Cheese and Onion chips, but hard enough that I’ll keep eating them even though it’s 9am. Wait, is there meat in them?”
*Cam checks and tells Maddy, a wavering pescetarian, that no, there is no meat in the chips*
Dan: “I’ve found my new post-midnight-snack snack.”
Paua Fritter
These are obviously very popular as we have been unable to locate them at all. We had one prized bag to share and Cameron gave it away not realising that these chips are the fucking lost ark of the covenant because they are IMPOSSIBLE to find. We’re told they taste like the best summer day you have ever experienced. They taste like gold. Rumour has it that when you eat them you win the lottery. Other reviews say that they’re lemony and delicious – but what an understatement for the chip of the century.
Comments from the Team:
Everyone: “Man, I wish we could try these fucking Paua Fritter Chips”
Sunday Roast
Have you ever thought, man I love a traditional roast and yes, I do love Sundays. This is the chip for you. Sunday Roast chips are a fucking time. They’re based in a good idea. Turn that savoury gravy roast flavour into a chip. But they’re also a bit odd, there’s just something off. If you have the time, make a roast. If not, eat the chips.
Comments from the Team:
Cameron: “Sunday Roast is weird.”
Eda: “Someone has just sprinkled gravy powder on these innocent potato slices”
Dan: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Lamington
Science has flourished significantly since the Great Enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries. We have cured disease, we have put a man on the moon, and we have created technology that is deeply entrenched in our lives. Now, has science gone too far? Yes. Definitely. Why did we need to make lamington chips? Why did we have to turn the lamington into a chip? It’s sweet, salty, coconut-y, and frankly just interesting. We appreciate that they managed to make the lamington into a chip, but why? Even if you like this sweet and salty concoction , the sheer judgement if you eat this in public is enough to deter you from this chip flavour
Comments from the Team:
Maddy: “I’m simultaneously very impressed they got these to actually taste like Lamington and completely disgusted that someone even had that idea.”
Talia: “It tastes like dirt that someone dropped cotton candy on. Imagine getting on the bus and seeing someone eating these.”
Cam: “I would get off.”
Brian: “It’s just Lamington, right?”
Justin: “Just go get real lamingtons.”
Eda: “Tastes like an Asian dad snack. Imagine sweet/salty popcorn but with a big hint of coconut.”
Dan: “Like licking a petrol pump, but somehow worse.”
